At 1pm when my mind was running away with itself, what did I create? A ten minute impressionist satirical comedy sketch again the head of the university…and here it is.
Good Morning and Welcome. I am P****** Professor Perfect Portrayer Perpetuating P’s Profusely P****** W*****, proud head of this University, well a Branch of a University which gets the Resources and Degrees from another university. A little about myself. I started off at the University of Liverpool where they discovered I was useless and they got rid of me where I then went to Manchester Metropolitan where they discovered I was worthless and they got rid of me.
Here at UCFB we aspire and deliver three things which we care about and believe in strongly; Inconvenience, Piss Poor Organisation and Disappointment. If you aspire to the same pillars that we do welcome, if not feel free to leave, only kidding you’re locked in.
Moving to Manchester means more money for me…I mean more opportunities to develop your education through our state of the art facilities which if you do not have a car or cannot afford public transport you will not be having access to. Coaching students you will have to buy the new Etihad Sportswear so we can line my pockets…I mean line the streets with slightly presentable people
Our dedicated team will make sure that you settle in quickly to your new accommodation wherever you are in the city. Just in time for me to unveil in October that we will all be moving to Liverpool, where for the first time we will have One Campus, One City but Two Stadiums to work in, not having a single clue how to use either of them. There have been three things that are close to miracles of God which Liverpool has produced; The Beatles, Scouse and Me. Now there is the opportunity for you to join that list. Only kidding those aspirations will be beaten out of you in the first lectures, isn’t that right Boyd? Of course you will never be as good as me, so polish your teeth and whiten your shoes or something like that.