When I told my family and friends that I had written a five minute stand up piece about sex, one said “Oh that’s funny because you only last one minute”… I really wish I hadn’t told you that…Nan.
Single People give me a cheer, (Wait for cheers), wow you sir down the front definitely screamed aloud. You may aswell have shouted “Yeah I’m single and what, a different night, a different girl. That’s how I roll”.
Ok now Happy Couples give me a cheer. I love how just before that cheer there was a lot of rustling of girlfriends and wives elbowing their fellas saying “Go on cheer, show him we’re happy together” and the guys just clap going “Hmm yeah…”. God the singles are so much happier.
Relationships are precious though and one of the biggest moments in a young relationship is when you finally go to her place to do it for the first time, and by do it I mean su-hex. This happened to me a few years back, there I am stood in her bedroom, she turns around and says I’m just going to go to the bathroom to get ready…my trousers were down before the door had even shut behind her, they dropped so hard there was a hole in the floor…oh I’ll just put some cones around that nevermind.
I thought, I may as well get ready so I got warmed up the only way I knew how, (Do high knees running across the stage one way minding the imaginary hole), doing keepy uppys with my nads, (Do the cha cha cross leg run back across the stage then do the arm windmill). Then she came back…and she said three of the greatest words a man can hear…”Lets. Do. Doggy”. Now Doggy is the greatest of all positions, you have all the joys of regular sex with the added risk of ending your night with one wrong slip of the (Cough). You don’t have to look at the girls face turning in to every single emoji (Pull Wink Face, Awkward Face, Smiley Face then Crying Face) and it gives you a chance to ponder some of life’s great questions such as, “DO PENGUINS HAVE KNEES?” But this time doggy got even better because the wallpaper of her room…were Beano-Dennis the Menace Comic Strips…YEAAAAAAAAAH. (Act out the Doggy) So I’m there in the rhythm…reading away, haha classic pie face oh you never change. But then the strip ends, so I’m looking all around the room for the next page. Suddenly I hear “Harder, do it harder” but I’m slowed right down trying to find the continuation… “I said do it harder come on”. Shut up I’m trying to find out if Curly and Gnasher managed to get the slingshot back.
Surprisingly, I never found the next page…and I never saw her again. So if you’re out there, please, please…tell me what happened next.
I’ve been Crag Banna and I need to change my boxers, good night, God Bless.
Disclaimer: All of the above is intellectual property owned by myself (C) 2016