Crag Banna: Do Penguins Have Knees?-Part 2 (AKA Additions)

One of the first things to happen in a relationship is that you establish affectionate nicknames for each other like; darling, sweetie, honey, babe or retarded doughnut in tin foil…no prizes for guessing who was lucky enough to get that one (Fist Pump)…this guy. The latest one I’ve given is “Sloth”. Now, when you tell people her nickname is Sloth they go “Aww that’s cute, because sloths are small furry and like to sleep a lot”…NO…she just reminds me of the monster from Goonies…

Possibly the biggest moment in a relationship for a guy is the first home game, no man has ever moved so quickly as when he’s trying to clean up before his girl comes round for the first time. Even worse still when you’re living with your parents, you have to be more organised than a secret service mission, with inch perfect choreographed coming and going…and they find out. I didn’t even have to tell them, it was like they had a sixth sense, my Mum woke me up early one morning and went, “She is not coming to this house, I am not going to be party to any unplanned teenage pregnancies”. WHAT?!?! (Throw arms in the air) Firstly, does my mum think she’s getting involved in any way, even Jeremy Kyle would say fuck trying to sort that out. Secondly, I’m pretty sure I know what I’m doing, those thousands of nights watching (Make quote mark gesture) “completely educational” videos in the dark were not for nothing…

But then, you have the Dad’s…god bless the fathers of boyfriends everywhere…this is their moment to act like a pervy old man and it will appear perfectly fine. When my parents were going on holiday they said, “Come with us, there’s wifi and a spare bed” like that was a once in a lifetime opportunity I simply went to my Dad, “You know where else there is wifi and a spare bed…right here when you’re away”. Anyone would have expected to be dragged away so fast that they were put on an earlier flight but no…not my old man.

He took me out of the room and went, “Here’s a pack of Johnnies, some energy bars downstairs, have the keys, have fun, never mind the hidden camera”. I could see in his eyes the pride that his little boy was about to become a man, so much joy that I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that we’d already done it three times in the week before. Oops (Cover Mouth with Hand).

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