I am nowhere near being religious however I do believe in something controlling the way that the world works, the path that lives take. I identify as a Solipsist, name derived from the Latin words “Solus” and “Ipse” meaning “Alone” and “Self” respectively. Within this philosophical belief all I can know and understand for certain is myself and that I exist. Aside from this everything may be an illusion, or created just so that I see this version of a world, a way in which most people would be familiar with this is through the Matrix films. As such I can not be sure whether people or items exist and all that I or we learn about history, religion and science are just things that are put here to make this world appear to make sense and provide some logical reasoning. I have not been part of any of these previous times or experiments and thus have not witnessed any of these things, feeding in to chaos theory where I can only be certain of what I see, for all I know as I sit upstairs in my bedroom there may be a dragon nailing jelly to a walrus downstairs, despite being virtually impossible, it is not an existential possibility which I can rule out.
So that is the way I view the world, no matter how crazy or selfish it sounds, I believe in what I believe and that’s that, however I have strayed far from what I wanted the point of this post to be;
As I have alluded to and mentioned in a couple of previous posts I had been crushing on/in love with a girl for over two years and although there were undoubtedly several moments which were almost miraculously incredible, there were some moments (Many of which followed the highs) which sent me in to an almost depressed state. This then cycled as though something had been controlling my life and actions trying to teach me a lesson, linking back to the opening of this piece. It was almost guaranteed that when things were going well, I would then do something out of the ordinary and put my foot in it, ultimately driving her away at some point, causing irreparable damage that left me pining over a lost cause.
However in May this year, everything started to stop making sense with everything being too perfectly set up to be a coincidence. May 13th, after nearly 18 months of no feelings and separation, I messaged her and apologised for everything I had put her through, and that with the summer break approaching we would inevitably see each other I wanted no bad blood should we meet on the streets. We both apologised for the things we had done (This being the person who has made it incredibly difficult to even utter the “L-Word” to a girl through fear of being hurt again), made our peace, buried the hatchet and agreed to move on as adults. May 18th, while on the way back from a day trip to the Lake District I had begun thinking of coming home from university, and how depressing it would be to come back to couples everywhere and family troubles leaving me sitting alone sobbing in to a pint glass at the local Wetherspoons. When I arrived back at the Student Halls, my wi-fi reconnected and I found a message from the girl who I had got acquainted with at New Years, simply saying “Hey, how are you?”. I had assumed that she was just going to say Happy Birthday a day early, or try to organise a meet up for when I returned home for the summer to attempt to continue from where we left off at New Years.
Thinking of it as nothing more that being a friendship or long shot of being a hook up, I replied each day for the next week, even starting the conversation some days…and to this day, from May 18th, there have only been two days where we have not spoken. We have gone from incredible awkward conversations and even more awkward meet ups. The first time we saw each other since returning home was a night out on the town three weeks after first contact with two of my friends, I could not have been further from her. It was a shambles of what my friends thought was an attempt of a date even though much to the shock of everyone, I got a kiss at the end of the night. For the next week the conversation had been scraped from the bottom of the barrel, finding the slightest things to keep it going. One day, I went out jogging with one of my friends aiming to make it to the football ground in her town, by random circumstance or “coincidence” as the world would like to have you believe she was in one of the cars driving past and spotted me running in my skin-tight gear. The next week the conversation had miraculously picked up, on the following Saturday she asked me to meet her for coffee, and despite my chest almost exploding, I made it and we had one of the most coffee meet ups in human history, we went out in town that night with both of us going to the same pre drinks at a mutual friends house (We went to school together and had the same friendship groups despite not talking to each other once). Despite some other events that night, we still managed to have an incredible time and personally I had the best night out ever. The following week we went to the movies just the two of us, slight awkwardness apparent but still we had fun in each others company. The banter flowed at ease like never before and this began a near weekly string of dates and meet ups with the last 3 weeks having those meet ups grow in frequency. Such an increase to the point that between the 7th and 13th of August we had gone from being around my house once to declaring ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend, having sex, saying that we love each other and organising our lives for the next few months together and a holiday break away together. All of this bred out of several weeks of awkwardness, missed opportunities on my part with some smooth talking, responding through politeness and desperate joke making keeping the fire burning.
Surely the world somehow gave me my perfect idea of a relationship, one built emotionally and romantically over time through a series of cute dates and fun conversations rather than be predicated on sex, items and lust. Looking at us on paper we should not work as a couple, but is this only working because I managed to put that previous relationship saga/episode fully behind me and given me a new one to live through and gain experience from.
- Movies- Comedy or Action
- Food- Italian/Pizza
- Hobbies- A range of sports including Badminton, Scuba Diving and Rugby
- Music- Hard Rock (Skillet, Peroxwhy?gen and Breaking Benjamin)
- Sleep- Goes to Bed around 11pm
- Partying- Very limited alcohol consumption
- Fitness- Goes to the gym every 2 days with activity in the off days, a key part of life especially in training for the 2024 Olympics being a realistic goal
- Pets- Would love a Dog
- Located: Manchester (Was Burnley but moved for University) and Wellingborough
- Movies- Horror
- Food- Chinese
- Hobbies- Watching YouTube and Netflix
- Music- Pop (21 Pilots)
- Sleep-Varies from 3am to all day sleeping
- Partying- Whenever Possible, including alcohol (responsible) and legal highs
- Fitness- Plays Rounders every couple of weeks, occasionally plays basketball, rock climbs and hill walks, fitness not something intentionally done
- Pets- Preferably not
- Located: Buxton and Burton Latimer
Looking at these few categories alone, we are a total mismatch of personalities, yet we are able to set our differences aside and just enjoy each others company. And that is what makes us work, we know that neither of us are perfect as individuals but as long as we accept and love each other for who we are, we can be perfect together.
As it is clear that something or someone out there is controlling us to be together I would just like to say; Thank You so damn much, I have not felt this happy in a long while, never had the feeling of being liked by someone before and to finally have the chance to put my philosophy of how relationships should work in to practice is something that I cherish every day. Just getting to see her smile is enough to keep me going and is perfect reward if it can be called that for the effort I put in to make sure she can realise how beautiful and incredible she is every single day.
If you have any comments or thoughts on anything I have said throughout this please leave them. I’ve been Crag Banna…Signing Out.