Mental Health Blog #8

More of a follow on from yesterday, since that final post I’ve been inundated with people voicing their views trying to get me riled up to not just reject any idea of us getting back together at some point in the future or even reject friendship but to even inspire pure hatred and to a degree it has worked.

I do not feel like I must talk to her any more although I am very intrigued to how she approaches breaking the silence; Whether she wants to try have a friendship which outside of movies doesn’t really work with past lovers. Whether by some 1 in 10 billion shot that she see’s how much I did for her and wants another shot at this. Whether she realises that she had not been completely angelic and that she had some fault in this mess. Whether she wants to completely go our separate ways only to be highly awkward acquaintances at mutual friend meet ups. Right now no matter what her response is of the 4, I feel like making it the last one.

Earlier today I was writing out my day plan for tomorrow and I know this is a bit of a gross detail but it included doing a bit of manscaping…and all I did was get mad, punched my bed, a wall and the floor before having to calm myself down.  Last time I did manscaping was the last time I saw her, then I remembered all the shit I did to go out of my way for her. How the first 10 days of September may have been the best time of my life. Last 20…worst ever…ever. All the shit I’ve done for her and it’s like she’s throwing it back in my face like all of it was nothing. Every I love you and I care about you empty from her and taken for granted from me. It’s as though she’s forgotten about the summer like it was a breeze. Fuck sake.

If I could I would take back the me scented half my height stitch cuddly toy and sentimentally priceless handmade Swiss wooden heart. But I can’t not because I can’t see her, that’s an easy one. But no matter how incensed I get I could never be so heartless as to take away the item that she loves the most, combining her love of cuddly toys and her favourite cartoon character, even if taking him back would stop her having a reminder of me…

I hate the hatred, it’s not me but I fear it’s going to get worse before it gets better…

I’ve been Crag Banna… signing out.

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Mental Health Blog #7

This is a devastating update and recap of the past week through the words I used to send to my Student Counsellor-type person.

“This time last week I was sitting across from you telling you how in love I was, how amazing my girlfriend was and about how we were going to have such a romantic perfect weekend together with bags all packed and stars in my eyes. However…that never happened and such began the worst week of my life. Not long after our meeting, around midnight of Thursday night in to Friday morning, I received this message from her: I’m sorry for what I’m about to say , but I can’t do this anymore. I want you to know that this decision hasn’t been made on anything you have done what so ever it’s got nothing to do with the messages you sent the other day or anything else. I can’t do this any more because I can’t do the relationship thing I’ve tried I thaught I could make it work but I just can’t I like being on my own and not having anyone else to worry about, I feel so stressed but it’s not you or anything you have done so please don’t think that. I want you to know I still love you and care about you so much and I wasn’t lying when I said I’ll still be here for you and help you through shit times because I still want to, I still want to talk to you have many laughs with you and see you. I just think that right now I’m not ready for this. And it’s shit I feel so shit about this because I wish I had realised this before so I don’t have to put you through this. This isn’t something I’ve decided overnight I’ve been trying for a while to battle my thaughts and work out what’s best. I still want us to be what we are just without the label of being in a relationship at the moment, I hope you can understand my reasons for doing this and I don’t want you to blame yourself for any of this because you’ve been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for I’m just not ready for it, I’m sorry xx.

Of course I tried to talk her out of it. On Saturday after all of the shock had cleared, I messaged her letting her know that no matter what I’d always look after her and make sure she was alright because all that mattered was that she was happy. As you can clearly read in the final sentence, I had taken on board that she still wanted us to be what we were just without the label of being in a relationship. Therefore I remained positive about our future, I messaged her letting her know that I was ready to go back to those dating days whenever she was, that I didn’t feel pain when seeing all of our pictures because I just remembered every single joyous and happy moment of us together with the secure knowledge that couple, boyfriend/girlfriend or even as friends we would still make

amazing memories. Having continued chatting with her, we planned to meet up in 2 weekends time to hangout in Manchester, we had agreed to meet up for Halloween as Harley Quinn and the Joker as we had planned since the moment we left the Suicide Squad Premiere. Yesterday I had been hearing from multiple people who were friends of both of ours their theories that they think she actually broke up with me so she could essentially see other guys and go on the pull at her uni with numerous pieces of convincing argument. I subtly let her know what people were saying, that I defended her until the very end of those conversations and asked if there was any truth behind it to settle my mind. This was her response: I’m done with this, none of that’s true! also I think you’ve got mixed up were over I’m not wanting to come back to you at all what I ment was I don’t mind meeting up still not still be a couple without the label you’ve done nothing but send me paragraphs that’s I’ve purposly ignored do you not get the message. I’m done with this now
As soon as that message was sent I had been blocked on Facebook and Instagram. I tried texting her that she was being completely unreasonable, that I had clearly specified that I was cool with being friends, that the reason I had been thinking that we were carrying on as a couple without labels was because she said so herself. I told her that I just wanted to be friends, that I had never lied, cheated, disrespected or talked down about her and I wasn’t going to start now. She told me that she was angry that there was a small part of me that had believed her theories. To try and stop an argument I didn’t point out that she had been a hippocrite with her doing the same thing back in June. She kept telling me to stop telling her to calm down and that she was fine. I told her I believed her. She said that silence would be best for us. Finishing with a “Bye”.  Our joint close friend asked her how she was for me and she said that she was fine, just needed to think things through.
I tried to message her this morning via snapchat messaging but the chances that she actually read it is slim to none. I can’t stand being silent and apart from her because all I ever wanted to do was make sure she was happy and comfortable in life. No more stresses and pressures that she spoke about. Is all of the love and care for me she was on about gone or was it not there in the first place. I know that no matter how long the silence is she won’t make the first message. I’m being tortured and punished for being a caring gentleman during and after our relationship and I just don’t understand anymore.

Something majorly bad has happened in my life each week of this Uni year and I literally only have one thing left to lose and that is my Dad. Hopefully the thing that happens next week is I’m set on fire or shot or just anything that puts me in hospital. Right now I feel numbness but as soon when I have something important on or start to have a good time, it will hit and it will hit like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
I don’t know what to do. Trying to give her space is going to be the death of me. All of that life planning gone. I just hope that whenever she does come back she’s seen the parts of which she’s been at fault and that I’ve got a chance to build a friendship from the ground up and hopefully reclaim some of those moments we had planned. She probably hates the bones off me and I don’t even know why, I certainly don’t hate her, stupidly I love her and it will take so much to change that. I’d rather just have one conversation with her in person to clear everything but that won’t happen, she’s always ran and blocked her problems with people. Even with her joint best friend over the summer.”
I need to rant but I’m too nice and stick to my promises as people have told me off for today. Been abused for being over caring for too many people. I hate I’m so nice to people. I hate being a pushover. I hate this life.

Mental Health Blog #6

Okay so off the bat I’m going to admit that this is quite a bit less to do with mental health but rather a continuation on the last post regarding my very much shocking, bewildering and obviously shocking break up from yesterday.

Although the pain had remained strong, I managed to get a full nights sleep with only the final half hour being semi conscious asking myself questions about the break up which clearly I couldn’t answer. I am not proud to admit it but I have sadly used my old arm scratching till I bleed and put alcohol on it method to create some kind of pain which blocks out that from my heart as well as been pounding down beers so right now writing this I am slightly drunk.

This morning I made the tough decision to allow her some space to collect herself by sending the following message;

“Hey, hope you’re coping okay and that your housemate family is looking after you? (I know you’re a little pre occupied by (her housemates girlfriend) coming but this is worth a read at least) No more massive deep desperate sounding messages (Even though this one is quite long). Just want to start with the new-old us —- and —-, no labels. How we were in May, June and July, two individuals asking about each other’s days with Heyyy and Hey yous, caring about what each other has done, making silly jokes, making hashtags that only we’d understand, dates and nights out every now and then, tagging each other in movie posts and funny pictures, nights of nothing but gifs and memes, and most importantly having the most fun time ever without the pressure of being a couple. Even though they can be the most comfortable times, the spooning nights, sex and making out like it’s the end of the world can wait (Stitch can take my place haha). TwentyOne Pilots say it best “I wish we could turn back time, to the good old days”. Going back to the good old days that I miss and if you ever feel like you’re comfortable to progress then that’s up to you. It will hurt like hell for both of us keeping apart, it already is seeing all the pictures changed from perfectly happy to non existent in a week, just don’t give up on all of this like the summer was nothing and don’t shut me out, you may not want a full relationship but I can still give you a massive beautiful smile, I meant every word about making it through this together and who knows one day we may get back there. I’m ready to go back in time when you are, message me when you are and I’ll see you there sweetie 😊❤️😊 xx”

I hope that we could all agree that as per the message which she had originally sent me (Read Mental Health Blog #5 for the message) I have allowed her the space which she clearly wanted citing that she couldn’t handle the relationship right now and that she couldn’t handle seeing me right now. Within this hopefully I have come across as willing and almost fighting to keep the care, love and unlabelled relationship alive while lending a hand to being a caring “Friend” although I hate that word being used between the two of us, offering to look after her if she ever needed me and inserting a small amount of humour which is slightly unique to the two of us. I’ve also let her know that I’m willing to agree to her terms of remaining as we are just without the boyfriend-girlfriend labels while letting her have the freedom to reply on her own terms. The only downside to this message is that I cannot reply or message her until she messages me as then not only do i not allow her her space and thinking time but I destroy the premise of the final sentence. This will be killer for me as someone who loves to keep streaks going, the amount of days without a message between us since 18th May 2016 will surely grow, 4 days so far, 2 of those while she had no phone at Leeds Fest. If you disagree with any of the previous paragraph do not hesitate to let me know how much I’ve been a fool.

Aside from this, I have decided that in this kind of single time while I’m not officially attached to her although my heart most certainly is, I shall focus on my other life goals, making strides in my career and making physical fitness gains. If she notices and wants to come back to me then perfect…if not then I’m still making career and fitness progression.

The next aim for me is to spend Halloween with her, regardless of whether this is as a friend (where I would sleep on her floor) or partner as we had planned this since the release of Suicide Squad on August 5th, to go to whatever function, nightclub or house party as Harley Quinn and Jared Leto’s incarnation of The Joker. I had always looked to maintain the relationship using annual milestones as a marker such as Halloween, Christmas, New Years, Valentines and Easter so it is only logical to keep this with our tight friendship or partnership whatever this is now.

Nowadays after so many break ups all I see are people slagging off each other. Guy saying the sex was rubbish or the girl saying that his dick was small (I know I’m using a heterosexual model for this, apologies to the LGBT community). However with this neither of us have a bad word to say about each other and in fact both of us are looking out for each other as a result which has to be the healthiest result to a break up possible. I’m so proud to have gone out with such a head strong individual.

Yesterday after one of my lectures my lecturer pulled me aside to ask if everything was alright and told me that as I was not myself I would be referred to Student Services. “Good Luck with that I’m already seeing them for mental health” I replied to leave him shocked…the second person who had claimed that of all the people who they had seen I would have been the last to suffer.

I’m sure that there are other things which I had been meaning to mention in this post but I cannot remember them for the life of me in this state.

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #5

23rd of September 2016…The worst day of my life.

As many of you would have noticed over not just my mental health blogs but over the majority of my writing that the key figure in my life is…or rather was my girlfriend. At 1:30am I finally received an end to the silence with this message:

“I’m sorry for what I’m about to say , but I can’t do this anymore. I want you to know that this decision hasn’t been made on anything you have done what so ever it’s got nothing to do with the messages you sent the other day or anything else. I can’t do this any more because I can’t do the relationship thing I’ve tried I thought I could make it work but I just can’t I like being on my own and not having anyone else to worry about, I feel so stressed but it’s not you or anything you have done so please don’t think that. I want you to know I still love you and care about you so much and I wasn’t lying when I said I’ll still be here for you and help you through shit times because I still want to, I still want to talk to you have many laughs with you and see you. I just think that right now I’m not ready for this. And it’s shit I feel so shit about this because I wish I had realised this before so I don’t have to put you through this. This isn’t something I’ve decided overnight I’ve been trying for a while to battle my thoughts and work out what’s best. I still want us to be what we are just without the label of being in a relationship at the moment, I hope you can understand my reasons for doing this and I don’t want you to blame yourself for any of this because you’ve been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for I’m just not ready for it, I’m sorry xx”.

This has torn me apart. I’ve tried to let her know that I am completely fine so she doesn’t have to worry about me. That there is no reason for her to be stressed or pressured by the presence of the labels boyfriend and girlfriend. That nobody is expecting her to do anything or expecting us as a couple to do anything. Anybody reading please comment anything else I can do to save this relationship because I can’t face losing the girl of my life.

Two weeks ago today I had possibly the best night of my summer. A meal, few drinks, a bit of rock climbing and a make out under the stars. I asked her if we would be able to make it at University to which she said “Of course we will, we are strong and I’m not going anywhere”. But now she has and I’m left empty.

For a month we had planned this incredible weekend…the weekend being tomorrow… Her housemates girlfriend turning up to surprise him then we would go on an amazing double date but now that’s gone and I’ve got to try and fill my life with something. Back to being all alone on a rock with 7 Billion People…

I can’t do this…I am sorry that I have been a waste of human existence…a waste that will do anything to get her back.

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #4

Much like the last update I have been having a spell of relative happiness especially when topped up by seeing my friends at university. So instead here is a small mental health related story from my past.

A while ago I met up with somebody very close to me who I had not seen in a long while. Upon meeting them I said “Wow you look incredible”, she replied with “No I’m not I look horrible”. To which I asked “Why? In what possible way do you look horrible?”. Expecting an answer mentioning blemishes or a comment on their perception of their weight or hairstyle, none of those items were brought up. Instead she remarked about the scars on her arms, left from self harm many years prior and how she sees them as an ever lasting reminder of weakness and that they make her appear disfigured. Astonished, I calmly replied, “Well, in fact I think that they are beautiful. Like stretch marks they are a sign of strength and toughness, a sign that there was once a great struggle in your life, you didn’t give in and accept it, you fought it every step of the way and you beat it. Those are your battle scars and you should wear them with pride. Nobody cares about how you were once at a moment of weakness but they do care and love to see that you are happy now and you know what…that is true beauty”.

The point I’m trying to get at here may have been revealed during that very brief story however to clarify, I’m trying to say that you should not be ashamed of your past, the things that have been done have been done, there is no changing that. How you live in the present is what every body cares about and at the end of the day if you are truly happy with what you do and who you are then it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. Those physical scars may be a permanent sign of your troubled past but they are also a permanent sign that you can get through any obstacle put in your way.

Mental Health Blog #3

I was meant to post last night but yesterday was such a good day that amongst a mixture of tiredness and an unwillingness to expose myself to negativity of thinking of my condition I decided to postpone until this morning.

Yesterday was an important and great day for so many reasons despite having some rather large areas which could have bred concern. First of all it was the first day back studying at University, getting to spend the day 10-5 with my uni mates who I am comfortable with, the normal ones, the sane ones as compared to the hell for leather mad party crew that I am essentially living with. My level of banter had returned to normal, cracking of jokes and puns left right and centre, actually receiving laughs. My music finally had rhythm again, it made me want to get up and dance or sing along rather than maintain me in an almost lulled comatose state. Even the meeting with the University Student Services Counsellor went well despite slightly crying and breaking down when asked to discuss my feelings towards my friends back home, parents and girlfriend, marking down my differences in confidence between my happy state of mind and broken mind. After this I had been pointed towards a few avenues of mental help groups such as Mind and Self Help-The Sanctuary. These combined with an app known as Whisper, shown to me by a friend has helped me to be able to talk about my emotions with people and just be socially active in general, helping to not feel so alone…however that remains my major problem.

It had been revealed during the conversation with the counsellor that one of my major triggers was the thought that my girlfriend had replaced me with her university mates, and even right now it has brought me out in to a heavy breath just thinking about it and this morning this feeling of almost jealousy has never been more apparent. As I had been in the process of asking my girlfriend if she would like to do anything tomorrow as I had a free day, I realised that she was off out tonight for an Olympics based Freshers Event. To any normal boyfriend and at any other time in my life I would have just thought “Aww that sounds like a great time baby, hope she has a lot of fun” but right now in my state of madness I’m thinking more along the lines of “Where is this at my university, at my halls? Here it is very much an individual effort going out, trying to corral a few individuals to come out with you but there it is every night the whole group goes out, the whole house goes out, the whole family goes out…having fun without me…she doesn’t need me, she’d happily live the rest of her uni days without interaction with me.” Genuinely this is the thought from the guy who absolutely despises clubbing and drinking to excess (The only times I’ve ever had fun going out have been the times with her). These thoughts of abandonment and replacement were also present throughout the whole of yesterday as I had gone 9 messages, and 2 social media tags without any response despite knowing that she had read the items and had been active on social media without replying. Even when I asked her whether this is the silent treatment and what I had done wrong to deserve it…read and ignored. Five minutes after I had decided to call it a night and fall asleep she messaged me…a message I didn’t see until eight hours later when I woke up…the message simply reading “Heyyy xx”. No response to any previous messages that I had sent, no concerted effort to respond to my concerns as to whether she was ok or not, just saying hello at midnight. Even though I had read the message eight hours after it was sent I still replied and apologised for not getting back to her sooner…guess what no reply.

I do not understand why there has been this change and lack in responsiveness, we had been chatting as normal all the way through from the first day of contact to the night time of Thursday. Since then it has appeared more likely that I would win the lottery without buying a ticket than get a response. I get that people can be busy…not for over a whole day when they are online and can spare the few seconds and slight thumb movement to say “Sorry, I’m busy right now” or “Can’t talk at the moment”, even a “Yeah” would have been sufficient but nothing whatsoever. This is so out of character I have no idea what has gone on, maybe it is just a freshers thing, spending so much time with housemates as I know she usually went out once per week at least last year, presumably a Saturday night. Has somebody back home said something to stop seeing me? I’m on the brink of just dropping everything here to just rock up at her door to sort this out face to face.

Anyways, back to the happier news, I’ve been able to apply to be the new head of rugby coaching at my university as well as getting help to find a competitive badminton club to play for over the course of the year, both things to give me social interaction and something to do to distract my mind and get my teeth in to. Another major realisation I had was the almost need to move away from Manchester in my third year of University, however as the only place I can currently think of to live which fulfils all of my criteria is Buxton, it would rest upon me managing to keep this relationship going for another two years at the very least (At least because she’s the one I want to marry one day and have a family with). Still, much research in to the logistical and financial aspect of life would have to be considered, another project which will be able to keep me occupied and distracted from the demons in my mind.

Tonight I’m going to brave it and try to last the whole Chelsea vs Leicester City match in the pub…Wish me luck.

Any way that has been my first day of real progress, let’s hope it continues, I’ve been Crag Banna…Signing out

Mental Health Blog #2

Last night around 4:50am I wrote this;

“Been awake for over the past hour listening to two of my flat mates who go BIMM uni and know each other from back home, one is steaming drunk being sick and the other one is looking after him really well. The same kinda thing happened the other night at Lauren’s when her mate Erin got blackout smashed and Lauren took care of her the best I’ve ever seen someone look after a drunk person. Who have I got that would do that for me up here? Absolutely fucking no one, my flat mates certainly wouldn’t, probably wouldn’t even notice me, my uni mates are 2 floors and a block away, obviously none of my mates and family from back home aren’t here. I’m a fucking nobody and a joke. Shit like this why I don’t go out.”

One of my biggest regrets in life has been not getting in there with a group at uni in the first couple of weeks, a sane group of mates, of which I have recognised two of out of my whole year. And when I say sane, I mean those who could have a deep conversation or even help guide me to the bathroom if I was about to be sick on a night out or even spend hours in front of the living room television watching random shows or even spend nights just sharing our favourite music until we became so chilled that we decided to call it a night and go to bed.

But instead I’m here, feeling alone in a city of 2.55 million people. How is that even possible? Not just a prisoner in my own mind but a prisoner within my flat, within my own room…my tiny not enough room to swing a cat room… The two guys from BIMM know each other from home and have a female friend come over each evening and they work nights so there is not a chance of breaking in there. My other flatmate is somebody who I had spoken to about 10 times in my first year of university, originally pencilled in to his flat of mates just to make up the numbers.

All through the first year I had been fine on my own, with Football Manager, TV and Pokemon to keep me occupied with me counting down to several highlights of my week such as Badminton Club on a Monday Night, TNA Wrestling on TV while Drawing on a Sunday Night and even refereeing the Intramural Football where I used to get slated and abused on a Wednesday Afternoon. But now, no Intramural Football, no Badminton Club…right now I feel so uninspired and unmotivated to make a solid attempt at drawing leaving the Wrestling being the only form of escapism each week. Where as I used to count down the days and hours to each of these things, now I count down the agonisingly long time until I next see my girlfriend. It was fine last week knowing I only had to wait through three whole days until I could see her for just over two, with the excitement on the partial day making time fly by. On Thursday as soon as I left her, the countdown began until the next time I will see her which at that point stood at 9 days, may not sound a lot to some people but it hasn’t even been three days and it feels like months have passed, I still have two thirds of the time to go and even then I’ll only have a whole day with her. That’s another thing, when I woke up on Wednesday morning beside her, I already felt sad as though I was missing her despite having over a day left with her as time simply moves so fast. It feels as though when in “Bae-Time” as I’ll call it, Usain Bolt’s 100m time would be more like 10 hours than 10 seconds but still look as fast. I feel as though as soon as I give her a hello hug and kiss on Saturday when I go see her, I’ll immediately think of that time being up, I wish there was a huge clock that controlled time everywhere and every time it ticks on a second, a second in the world passes, if I could find it I would latch myself on to the second hand, weighing it down, making it harder to move on. It isn’t even as though we are able to text or video chat each other all of the time as she leads a very socially active life when not asleep, often taking hours to respond to messages if at all, as I’m typing this I’m trying to organise a video chat just so I can see her beautiful smile and chat the hours away but even though she says she’s got nothing to do right now, something’s keeping her from doing it. After half an hour of seeing it and no reply she get’s back to me and says, oops sorry, just off out with the flat…

The guys at Uni which I reluctantly told about my issues live across the other side of the building and despite having one time where they looked after me on a night out, have taken the piss out of stuff I’ve done every other moment. So they wouldn’t come across the student village to make sure I’m alright, chances are they would just stand there and go “Oh, typical Crag”.

In my life there have always been only four people who’s opinions and idea have truly mattered to me, if they said shave my beard off I’d do it, if they said jump, I’d say how high and those people are; My Dad, My Best Mate, My Girl and Me. Right now I’m out of the question my brain is screwed and my heart only beats for one thing and that’s my girlfriend. My best friend doesn’t even know what I’m going through because I don’t want to compound on the terrible things already happening in his life. And the other two I mentioned in the first Mental Health Blog piece.

I have nobody here geographically, but I’m forced to continue on here, forced out of a necessity to do something with my life, out of a longing to be as close as possible to my girlfriend who can light up my day in a single heartfelt message, out of a want to create a better future for those four people, so I can go on holidays with them, repay them for the life and memories they have given me and treat my girlfriend like she deserves and should never want after anything. My problem for a long while has not been with the depression, but at times like this, my problem has been with time itself, I want to graduate university, I want to get my teeth stuck in to a job I’m passionate about, I want to move in with my girlfriend, marry her, even raise a family. But I can’t, because I have to serve this time, the double torture time and the triple speed happy time, time is always going to be rigged against me no matter what I feel or do…

As of now (4pm, 18th September 2016) it will be: 614 days and 20 hours until I leave University. That’s: Over 20 months, Over 87 weeks, Over 14,755 hours, Over 885,359 minutes, Over 53,121,540 seconds…

As you can tell, my girlfriend and I do not fare to well being away from each other physically (not speaking in a sexual manner), the longest time apart being exactly two weeks. The coming summer will be the next known major time of separation as she is going to live in Canada for 2/3 Months on Camp Placement. After that she will be away for the majority of her third year of university on Camp Placements totalling around 6/8 Months.

Even worse still if I choose to complete my Masters Degree as of (4pm, 18th September 2016) it will be: 978 days and 20 hours until I leave University. That’s: Over 32 months, Over 139 weeks, 23,492 hours, 1,409,520 minutes and 84,571,200 seconds… And for the nine months of that I’ll be lucky to see her once, not only would she be finished University, hopefully working a full time job but I’ll be in London and Madrid for half of that time each…

I don’t know how we are going to survive it but I sure pray that we can and that she doesn’t find anybody better while I’m away, readers, I have never loved or missed anybody or anything as much as I love and miss her in my entire life.

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.