A few days ago somebody from my university Social Media Department told us all to never put our feelings online if feeling vulnerable or weak. But when have I ever listened to people who have known better before…probably why I’m such a screw up.
For the past five years, on and off I have suffered from some severity of depression. Often I had found coping methods such as working out to excess (Often leading to injury which felt better than the pain in my head) and distracting myself with drawing and music. Sometimes there were worse methods such as grazing my forearms with £2 coins and drinking until numbness ensued. In all previous instances these methods were successful and in the last case these worked alongside talking to my now girlfriend at the start of our dating period.
However this time…it’s back and it’s stronger than ever. None of the previous methods have worked. Every time I’m not around (even in the last few hours of seeing) my girlfriend breakdowns ensue. Music which used to get me fired up, singing and headbanging, now has me in a lull, conjuring up fears of an imminent attack. I have stayed away from all alcohol consumption in the knowledge that once I start, I wouldn’t be able to stop until comatose. Even the endorphin rush of a solid gym session has left me on a huge downer on multiple occasions often cracking during post-workout showers. I am at my whits end trying to figure out what to do to end this madness.
Yesterday and the day previous had been my first real days of acceptance that I need help, coming out about my condition to my father, friends from back home, a few of the lads from University (admittedly with regret not knowing whether they would just take the piss), girlfriend and setting up a meeting with student services. Dad had offered me a way out…a chance to quit University. But I had to turn that down, I’m studying hard for two years more years at least in something that I’m good at to strive for a better future for myself, my parents and my girlfriend who coincidentally I would be three times as far from…surely I can’t quit can I? My friends from back home have told me to stick with it and everything will be okay, that I can talk to them any time. My University friends as mentioned in a previous post have not appeared to be the most comforting of people to date and certainly don’t feel like family or people who I could trust as opposed to those who my girlfriend lives with (Only ever so slight jealousy there haha-oh god I’m laughing at my own writing), however time will tell to see if they have a softer side. My girlfriend initially seemed to be distant just telling me that she wishes I didn’t do anything stupid or harmful and that everything would work out fine…But over night she had sent me the most heartwarming and breaking message I have ever received, wishing that I was able to go back to being the man she had fallen in love with, telling me to drop pretending to be alright when I’m not and that she’d be there for me and to help me through all of this.
In my first year of university I had been perfectly fine with staying in each night, often making up excuses as to why I couldn’t go out, prior to Christmas last year was when my last strong bout of depression was, feeling so alone but once I had friends I kind of turned them away, the only upside to this was it allowed me to save £300 of my student finance which allowed me to live better over the summer break. Right now I’m torn between wanting to be alone, curling in to a ball in bed and crying my eyes out while a film plays in the background before getting an early night and trying to find a random person in my student village to hang out with and talk to without alcohol. My girlfriend even told me to go out and socialise, with an atmosphere of disappointment and anger that I wasn’t socially drinking like she does at least twice a week with her flat mates. I just I’d be able to let her know what it’s like here so she’d truly understand the conflict in my head.
Anyway, this blog is to detail my emotions and path on the way to hopefully feeling better. Anybody who has any advice or ideas on what I could do would be welcomed gratefully. I’ve been Crag Banna and this has been my first day on the road to recovery…signing out.