Mental Health Blog #2

Last night around 4:50am I wrote this;

“Been awake for over the past hour listening to two of my flat mates who go BIMM uni and know each other from back home, one is steaming drunk being sick and the other one is looking after him really well. The same kinda thing happened the other night at Lauren’s when her mate Erin got blackout smashed and Lauren took care of her the best I’ve ever seen someone look after a drunk person. Who have I got that would do that for me up here? Absolutely fucking no one, my flat mates certainly wouldn’t, probably wouldn’t even notice me, my uni mates are 2 floors and a block away, obviously none of my mates and family from back home aren’t here. I’m a fucking nobody and a joke. Shit like this why I don’t go out.”

One of my biggest regrets in life has been not getting in there with a group at uni in the first couple of weeks, a sane group of mates, of which I have recognised two of out of my whole year. And when I say sane, I mean those who could have a deep conversation or even help guide me to the bathroom if I was about to be sick on a night out or even spend hours in front of the living room television watching random shows or even spend nights just sharing our favourite music until we became so chilled that we decided to call it a night and go to bed.

But instead I’m here, feeling alone in a city of 2.55 million people. How is that even possible? Not just a prisoner in my own mind but a prisoner within my flat, within my own room…my tiny not enough room to swing a cat room… The two guys from BIMM know each other from home and have a female friend come over each evening and they work nights so there is not a chance of breaking in there. My other flatmate is somebody who I had spoken to about 10 times in my first year of university, originally pencilled in to his flat of mates just to make up the numbers.

All through the first year I had been fine on my own, with Football Manager, TV and Pokemon to keep me occupied with me counting down to several highlights of my week such as Badminton Club on a Monday Night, TNA Wrestling on TV while Drawing on a Sunday Night and even refereeing the Intramural Football where I used to get slated and abused on a Wednesday Afternoon. But now, no Intramural Football, no Badminton Club…right now I feel so uninspired and unmotivated to make a solid attempt at drawing leaving the Wrestling being the only form of escapism each week. Where as I used to count down the days and hours to each of these things, now I count down the agonisingly long time until I next see my girlfriend. It was fine last week knowing I only had to wait through three whole days until I could see her for just over two, with the excitement on the partial day making time fly by. On Thursday as soon as I left her, the countdown began until the next time I will see her which at that point stood at 9 days, may not sound a lot to some people but it hasn’t even been three days and it feels like months have passed, I still have two thirds of the time to go and even then I’ll only have a whole day with her. That’s another thing, when I woke up on Wednesday morning beside her, I already felt sad as though I was missing her despite having over a day left with her as time simply moves so fast. It feels as though when in “Bae-Time” as I’ll call it, Usain Bolt’s 100m time would be more like 10 hours than 10 seconds but still look as fast. I feel as though as soon as I give her a hello hug and kiss on Saturday when I go see her, I’ll immediately think of that time being up, I wish there was a huge clock that controlled time everywhere and every time it ticks on a second, a second in the world passes, if I could find it I would latch myself on to the second hand, weighing it down, making it harder to move on. It isn’t even as though we are able to text or video chat each other all of the time as she leads a very socially active life when not asleep, often taking hours to respond to messages if at all, as I’m typing this I’m trying to organise a video chat just so I can see her beautiful smile and chat the hours away but even though she says she’s got nothing to do right now, something’s keeping her from doing it. After half an hour of seeing it and no reply she get’s back to me and says, oops sorry, just off out with the flat…

The guys at Uni which I reluctantly told about my issues live across the other side of the building and despite having one time where they looked after me on a night out, have taken the piss out of stuff I’ve done every other moment. So they wouldn’t come across the student village to make sure I’m alright, chances are they would just stand there and go “Oh, typical Crag”.

In my life there have always been only four people who’s opinions and idea have truly mattered to me, if they said shave my beard off I’d do it, if they said jump, I’d say how high and those people are; My Dad, My Best Mate, My Girl and Me. Right now I’m out of the question my brain is screwed and my heart only beats for one thing and that’s my girlfriend. My best friend doesn’t even know what I’m going through because I don’t want to compound on the terrible things already happening in his life. And the other two I mentioned in the first Mental Health Blog piece.

I have nobody here geographically, but I’m forced to continue on here, forced out of a necessity to do something with my life, out of a longing to be as close as possible to my girlfriend who can light up my day in a single heartfelt message, out of a want to create a better future for those four people, so I can go on holidays with them, repay them for the life and memories they have given me and treat my girlfriend like she deserves and should never want after anything. My problem for a long while has not been with the depression, but at times like this, my problem has been with time itself, I want to graduate university, I want to get my teeth stuck in to a job I’m passionate about, I want to move in with my girlfriend, marry her, even raise a family. But I can’t, because I have to serve this time, the double torture time and the triple speed happy time, time is always going to be rigged against me no matter what I feel or do…

As of now (4pm, 18th September 2016) it will be: 614 days and 20 hours until I leave University. That’s: Over 20 months, Over 87 weeks, Over 14,755 hours, Over 885,359 minutes, Over 53,121,540 seconds…

As you can tell, my girlfriend and I do not fare to well being away from each other physically (not speaking in a sexual manner), the longest time apart being exactly two weeks. The coming summer will be the next known major time of separation as she is going to live in Canada for 2/3 Months on Camp Placement. After that she will be away for the majority of her third year of university on Camp Placements totalling around 6/8 Months.

Even worse still if I choose to complete my Masters Degree as of (4pm, 18th September 2016) it will be: 978 days and 20 hours until I leave University. That’s: Over 32 months, Over 139 weeks, 23,492 hours, 1,409,520 minutes and 84,571,200 seconds… And for the nine months of that I’ll be lucky to see her once, not only would she be finished University, hopefully working a full time job but I’ll be in London and Madrid for half of that time each…

I don’t know how we are going to survive it but I sure pray that we can and that she doesn’t find anybody better while I’m away, readers, I have never loved or missed anybody or anything as much as I love and miss her in my entire life.

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

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