I was meant to post last night but yesterday was such a good day that amongst a mixture of tiredness and an unwillingness to expose myself to negativity of thinking of my condition I decided to postpone until this morning.
Yesterday was an important and great day for so many reasons despite having some rather large areas which could have bred concern. First of all it was the first day back studying at University, getting to spend the day 10-5 with my uni mates who I am comfortable with, the normal ones, the sane ones as compared to the hell for leather mad party crew that I am essentially living with. My level of banter had returned to normal, cracking of jokes and puns left right and centre, actually receiving laughs. My music finally had rhythm again, it made me want to get up and dance or sing along rather than maintain me in an almost lulled comatose state. Even the meeting with the University Student Services Counsellor went well despite slightly crying and breaking down when asked to discuss my feelings towards my friends back home, parents and girlfriend, marking down my differences in confidence between my happy state of mind and broken mind. After this I had been pointed towards a few avenues of mental help groups such as Mind and Self Help-The Sanctuary. These combined with an app known as Whisper, shown to me by a friend has helped me to be able to talk about my emotions with people and just be socially active in general, helping to not feel so alone…however that remains my major problem.
It had been revealed during the conversation with the counsellor that one of my major triggers was the thought that my girlfriend had replaced me with her university mates, and even right now it has brought me out in to a heavy breath just thinking about it and this morning this feeling of almost jealousy has never been more apparent. As I had been in the process of asking my girlfriend if she would like to do anything tomorrow as I had a free day, I realised that she was off out tonight for an Olympics based Freshers Event. To any normal boyfriend and at any other time in my life I would have just thought “Aww that sounds like a great time baby, hope she has a lot of fun” but right now in my state of madness I’m thinking more along the lines of “Where is this at my university, at my halls? Here it is very much an individual effort going out, trying to corral a few individuals to come out with you but there it is every night the whole group goes out, the whole house goes out, the whole family goes out…having fun without me…she doesn’t need me, she’d happily live the rest of her uni days without interaction with me.” Genuinely this is the thought from the guy who absolutely despises clubbing and drinking to excess (The only times I’ve ever had fun going out have been the times with her). These thoughts of abandonment and replacement were also present throughout the whole of yesterday as I had gone 9 messages, and 2 social media tags without any response despite knowing that she had read the items and had been active on social media without replying. Even when I asked her whether this is the silent treatment and what I had done wrong to deserve it…read and ignored. Five minutes after I had decided to call it a night and fall asleep she messaged me…a message I didn’t see until eight hours later when I woke up…the message simply reading “Heyyy xx”. No response to any previous messages that I had sent, no concerted effort to respond to my concerns as to whether she was ok or not, just saying hello at midnight. Even though I had read the message eight hours after it was sent I still replied and apologised for not getting back to her sooner…guess what no reply.
I do not understand why there has been this change and lack in responsiveness, we had been chatting as normal all the way through from the first day of contact to the night time of Thursday. Since then it has appeared more likely that I would win the lottery without buying a ticket than get a response. I get that people can be busy…not for over a whole day when they are online and can spare the few seconds and slight thumb movement to say “Sorry, I’m busy right now” or “Can’t talk at the moment”, even a “Yeah” would have been sufficient but nothing whatsoever. This is so out of character I have no idea what has gone on, maybe it is just a freshers thing, spending so much time with housemates as I know she usually went out once per week at least last year, presumably a Saturday night. Has somebody back home said something to stop seeing me? I’m on the brink of just dropping everything here to just rock up at her door to sort this out face to face.
Anyways, back to the happier news, I’ve been able to apply to be the new head of rugby coaching at my university as well as getting help to find a competitive badminton club to play for over the course of the year, both things to give me social interaction and something to do to distract my mind and get my teeth in to. Another major realisation I had was the almost need to move away from Manchester in my third year of University, however as the only place I can currently think of to live which fulfils all of my criteria is Buxton, it would rest upon me managing to keep this relationship going for another two years at the very least (At least because she’s the one I want to marry one day and have a family with). Still, much research in to the logistical and financial aspect of life would have to be considered, another project which will be able to keep me occupied and distracted from the demons in my mind.
Tonight I’m going to brave it and try to last the whole Chelsea vs Leicester City match in the pub…Wish me luck.
Any way that has been my first day of real progress, let’s hope it continues, I’ve been Crag Banna…Signing out