Mental Health Blog #5

23rd of September 2016…The worst day of my life.

As many of you would have noticed over not just my mental health blogs but over the majority of my writing that the key figure in my life is…or rather was my girlfriend. At 1:30am I finally received an end to the silence with this message:

“I’m sorry for what I’m about to say , but I can’t do this anymore. I want you to know that this decision hasn’t been made on anything you have done what so ever it’s got nothing to do with the messages you sent the other day or anything else. I can’t do this any more because I can’t do the relationship thing I’ve tried I thought I could make it work but I just can’t I like being on my own and not having anyone else to worry about, I feel so stressed but it’s not you or anything you have done so please don’t think that. I want you to know I still love you and care about you so much and I wasn’t lying when I said I’ll still be here for you and help you through shit times because I still want to, I still want to talk to you have many laughs with you and see you. I just think that right now I’m not ready for this. And it’s shit I feel so shit about this because I wish I had realised this before so I don’t have to put you through this. This isn’t something I’ve decided overnight I’ve been trying for a while to battle my thoughts and work out what’s best. I still want us to be what we are just without the label of being in a relationship at the moment, I hope you can understand my reasons for doing this and I don’t want you to blame yourself for any of this because you’ve been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for I’m just not ready for it, I’m sorry xx”.

This has torn me apart. I’ve tried to let her know that I am completely fine so she doesn’t have to worry about me. That there is no reason for her to be stressed or pressured by the presence of the labels boyfriend and girlfriend. That nobody is expecting her to do anything or expecting us as a couple to do anything. Anybody reading please comment anything else I can do to save this relationship because I can’t face losing the girl of my life.

Two weeks ago today I had possibly the best night of my summer. A meal, few drinks, a bit of rock climbing and a make out under the stars. I asked her if we would be able to make it at University to which she said “Of course we will, we are strong and I’m not going anywhere”. But now she has and I’m left empty.

For a month we had planned this incredible weekend…the weekend being tomorrow… Her housemates girlfriend turning up to surprise him then we would go on an amazing double date but now that’s gone and I’ve got to try and fill my life with something. Back to being all alone on a rock with 7 Billion People…

I can’t do this…I am sorry that I have been a waste of human existence…a waste that will do anything to get her back.

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

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