Okay so off the bat I’m going to admit that this is quite a bit less to do with mental health but rather a continuation on the last post regarding my very much shocking, bewildering and obviously shocking break up from yesterday.
Although the pain had remained strong, I managed to get a full nights sleep with only the final half hour being semi conscious asking myself questions about the break up which clearly I couldn’t answer. I am not proud to admit it but I have sadly used my old arm scratching till I bleed and put alcohol on it method to create some kind of pain which blocks out that from my heart as well as been pounding down beers so right now writing this I am slightly drunk.
This morning I made the tough decision to allow her some space to collect herself by sending the following message;
“Hey, hope you’re coping okay and that your housemate family is looking after you? (I know you’re a little pre occupied by (her housemates girlfriend) coming but this is worth a read at least) No more massive deep desperate sounding messages (Even though this one is quite long). Just want to start with the new-old us —- and —-, no labels. How we were in May, June and July, two individuals asking about each other’s days with Heyyy and Hey yous, caring about what each other has done, making silly jokes, making hashtags that only we’d understand, dates and nights out every now and then, tagging each other in movie posts and funny pictures, nights of nothing but gifs and memes, and most importantly having the most fun time ever without the pressure of being a couple. Even though they can be the most comfortable times, the spooning nights, sex and making out like it’s the end of the world can wait (Stitch can take my place haha). TwentyOne Pilots say it best “I wish we could turn back time, to the good old days”. Going back to the good old days that I miss and if you ever feel like you’re comfortable to progress then that’s up to you. It will hurt like hell for both of us keeping apart, it already is seeing all the pictures changed from perfectly happy to non existent in a week, just don’t give up on all of this like the summer was nothing and don’t shut me out, you may not want a full relationship but I can still give you a massive beautiful smile, I meant every word about making it through this together and who knows one day we may get back there. I’m ready to go back in time when you are, message me when you are and I’ll see you there sweetie xx”
I hope that we could all agree that as per the message which she had originally sent me (Read Mental Health Blog #5 for the message) I have allowed her the space which she clearly wanted citing that she couldn’t handle the relationship right now and that she couldn’t handle seeing me right now. Within this hopefully I have come across as willing and almost fighting to keep the care, love and unlabelled relationship alive while lending a hand to being a caring “Friend” although I hate that word being used between the two of us, offering to look after her if she ever needed me and inserting a small amount of humour which is slightly unique to the two of us. I’ve also let her know that I’m willing to agree to her terms of remaining as we are just without the boyfriend-girlfriend labels while letting her have the freedom to reply on her own terms. The only downside to this message is that I cannot reply or message her until she messages me as then not only do i not allow her her space and thinking time but I destroy the premise of the final sentence. This will be killer for me as someone who loves to keep streaks going, the amount of days without a message between us since 18th May 2016 will surely grow, 4 days so far, 2 of those while she had no phone at Leeds Fest. If you disagree with any of the previous paragraph do not hesitate to let me know how much I’ve been a fool.
Aside from this, I have decided that in this kind of single time while I’m not officially attached to her although my heart most certainly is, I shall focus on my other life goals, making strides in my career and making physical fitness gains. If she notices and wants to come back to me then perfect…if not then I’m still making career and fitness progression.
The next aim for me is to spend Halloween with her, regardless of whether this is as a friend (where I would sleep on her floor) or partner as we had planned this since the release of Suicide Squad on August 5th, to go to whatever function, nightclub or house party as Harley Quinn and Jared Leto’s incarnation of The Joker. I had always looked to maintain the relationship using annual milestones as a marker such as Halloween, Christmas, New Years, Valentines and Easter so it is only logical to keep this with our tight friendship or partnership whatever this is now.
Nowadays after so many break ups all I see are people slagging off each other. Guy saying the sex was rubbish or the girl saying that his dick was small (I know I’m using a heterosexual model for this, apologies to the LGBT community). However with this neither of us have a bad word to say about each other and in fact both of us are looking out for each other as a result which has to be the healthiest result to a break up possible. I’m so proud to have gone out with such a head strong individual.
Yesterday after one of my lectures my lecturer pulled me aside to ask if everything was alright and told me that as I was not myself I would be referred to Student Services. “Good Luck with that I’m already seeing them for mental health” I replied to leave him shocked…the second person who had claimed that of all the people who they had seen I would have been the last to suffer.
I’m sure that there are other things which I had been meaning to mention in this post but I cannot remember them for the life of me in this state.
I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.