Mental Health Blog #7

This is a devastating update and recap of the past week through the words I used to send to my Student Counsellor-type person.

“This time last week I was sitting across from you telling you how in love I was, how amazing my girlfriend was and about how we were going to have such a romantic perfect weekend together with bags all packed and stars in my eyes. However…that never happened and such began the worst week of my life. Not long after our meeting, around midnight of Thursday night in to Friday morning, I received this message from her: I’m sorry for what I’m about to say , but I can’t do this anymore. I want you to know that this decision hasn’t been made on anything you have done what so ever it’s got nothing to do with the messages you sent the other day or anything else. I can’t do this any more because I can’t do the relationship thing I’ve tried I thaught I could make it work but I just can’t I like being on my own and not having anyone else to worry about, I feel so stressed but it’s not you or anything you have done so please don’t think that. I want you to know I still love you and care about you so much and I wasn’t lying when I said I’ll still be here for you and help you through shit times because I still want to, I still want to talk to you have many laughs with you and see you. I just think that right now I’m not ready for this. And it’s shit I feel so shit about this because I wish I had realised this before so I don’t have to put you through this. This isn’t something I’ve decided overnight I’ve been trying for a while to battle my thaughts and work out what’s best. I still want us to be what we are just without the label of being in a relationship at the moment, I hope you can understand my reasons for doing this and I don’t want you to blame yourself for any of this because you’ve been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for I’m just not ready for it, I’m sorry xx.

Of course I tried to talk her out of it. On Saturday after all of the shock had cleared, I messaged her letting her know that no matter what I’d always look after her and make sure she was alright because all that mattered was that she was happy. As you can clearly read in the final sentence, I had taken on board that she still wanted us to be what we were just without the label of being in a relationship. Therefore I remained positive about our future, I messaged her letting her know that I was ready to go back to those dating days whenever she was, that I didn’t feel pain when seeing all of our pictures because I just remembered every single joyous and happy moment of us together with the secure knowledge that couple, boyfriend/girlfriend or even as friends we would still make

amazing memories. Having continued chatting with her, we planned to meet up in 2 weekends time to hangout in Manchester, we had agreed to meet up for Halloween as Harley Quinn and the Joker as we had planned since the moment we left the Suicide Squad Premiere. Yesterday I had been hearing from multiple people who were friends of both of ours their theories that they think she actually broke up with me so she could essentially see other guys and go on the pull at her uni with numerous pieces of convincing argument. I subtly let her know what people were saying, that I defended her until the very end of those conversations and asked if there was any truth behind it to settle my mind. This was her response: I’m done with this, none of that’s true! also I think you’ve got mixed up were over I’m not wanting to come back to you at all what I ment was I don’t mind meeting up still not still be a couple without the label you’ve done nothing but send me paragraphs that’s I’ve purposly ignored do you not get the message. I’m done with this now
As soon as that message was sent I had been blocked on Facebook and Instagram. I tried texting her that she was being completely unreasonable, that I had clearly specified that I was cool with being friends, that the reason I had been thinking that we were carrying on as a couple without labels was because she said so herself. I told her that I just wanted to be friends, that I had never lied, cheated, disrespected or talked down about her and I wasn’t going to start now. She told me that she was angry that there was a small part of me that had believed her theories. To try and stop an argument I didn’t point out that she had been a hippocrite with her doing the same thing back in June. She kept telling me to stop telling her to calm down and that she was fine. I told her I believed her. She said that silence would be best for us. Finishing with a “Bye”.  Our joint close friend asked her how she was for me and she said that she was fine, just needed to think things through.
I tried to message her this morning via snapchat messaging but the chances that she actually read it is slim to none. I can’t stand being silent and apart from her because all I ever wanted to do was make sure she was happy and comfortable in life. No more stresses and pressures that she spoke about. Is all of the love and care for me she was on about gone or was it not there in the first place. I know that no matter how long the silence is she won’t make the first message. I’m being tortured and punished for being a caring gentleman during and after our relationship and I just don’t understand anymore.

Something majorly bad has happened in my life each week of this Uni year and I literally only have one thing left to lose and that is my Dad. Hopefully the thing that happens next week is I’m set on fire or shot or just anything that puts me in hospital. Right now I feel numbness but as soon when I have something important on or start to have a good time, it will hit and it will hit like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
I don’t know what to do. Trying to give her space is going to be the death of me. All of that life planning gone. I just hope that whenever she does come back she’s seen the parts of which she’s been at fault and that I’ve got a chance to build a friendship from the ground up and hopefully reclaim some of those moments we had planned. She probably hates the bones off me and I don’t even know why, I certainly don’t hate her, stupidly I love her and it will take so much to change that. I’d rather just have one conversation with her in person to clear everything but that won’t happen, she’s always ran and blocked her problems with people. Even with her joint best friend over the summer.”
I need to rant but I’m too nice and stick to my promises as people have told me off for today. Been abused for being over caring for too many people. I hate I’m so nice to people. I hate being a pushover. I hate this life.
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