Mental Health Blog #8

More of a follow on from yesterday, since that final post I’ve been inundated with people voicing their views trying to get me riled up to not just reject any idea of us getting back together at some point in the future or even reject friendship but to even inspire pure hatred and to a degree it has worked.

I do not feel like I must talk to her any more although I am very intrigued to how she approaches breaking the silence; Whether she wants to try have a friendship which outside of movies doesn’t really work with past lovers. Whether by some 1 in 10 billion shot that she see’s how much I did for her and wants another shot at this. Whether she realises that she had not been completely angelic and that she had some fault in this mess. Whether she wants to completely go our separate ways only to be highly awkward acquaintances at mutual friend meet ups. Right now no matter what her response is of the 4, I feel like making it the last one.

Earlier today I was writing out my day plan for tomorrow and I know this is a bit of a gross detail but it included doing a bit of manscaping…and all I did was get mad, punched my bed, a wall and the floor before having to calm myself down.  Last time I did manscaping was the last time I saw her, then I remembered all the shit I did to go out of my way for her. How the first 10 days of September may have been the best time of my life. Last 20…worst ever…ever. All the shit I’ve done for her and it’s like she’s throwing it back in my face like all of it was nothing. Every I love you and I care about you empty from her and taken for granted from me. It’s as though she’s forgotten about the summer like it was a breeze. Fuck sake.

If I could I would take back the me scented half my height stitch cuddly toy and sentimentally priceless handmade Swiss wooden heart. But I can’t not because I can’t see her, that’s an easy one. But no matter how incensed I get I could never be so heartless as to take away the item that she loves the most, combining her love of cuddly toys and her favourite cartoon character, even if taking him back would stop her having a reminder of me…

I hate the hatred, it’s not me but I fear it’s going to get worse before it gets better…

I’ve been Crag Banna… signing out.

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