This is less of an update but more of a compilation of thoughts and ideas that I have had over the past few weeks which didn’t fit in to the flow of any of the previous mental health posts.
A few nights ago towards the end of a good day I decided to take a nap however, getting off to sleep my mind brought up two songs which replayed continuously in my head, “Let her Go” by Passenger and “This is Gospel” by Panic! at the Disco. When I woke up again I felt awful, coming up with the line “I’m going to play my arm like a violin, with a knife as my bow”.
Last night, I looked through my most recent searches on Instagram…my ex was one of them. Before where I had been faced with a private screen, blank of content and an option to request follow her, I now could see everything back to normal with an option to follow her regularly. I had been faced with a moral question; Obviously there would be a time when I follow her again, but when? Do I do it now and risk looking like a desperate stalker. No I have chosen to follow her again once we carry on talking, once we start to begin our friendship, that way the undoing of the blockages will be more natural.
If I had a Pound (Or Euro/Dollar in this economic climate) for every time somebody has told me to “Just get over her” I would be so rich that every gold digger in the world would be sniffing around. Lord knows I’ve tried to get over her. Literally. Of course I still care and have some kind of feeling towards her, for a long time I will and some even say you never forget your first. Even though I don’t have the urge to message her, see her or properly miss her 24/7, there is something still there, when I had seen that I had been unblocked it was like an electric shock had hit my heart. Just like after every time I had met up with her in the past, every night for the past week or so I have prayed, about her. By no means am I a religious person, as far as I can remember never attended a Sunday Service and it’s not hard to tell I’ve sinned but I still pray and I still have hope. I pray that she is looked after, I pray that she is happy in life, I pray that when she is ill that she gets better soon and I pray that she is successful and progressing with everything she does.
In an ideal plan, when I inevitably see her at New Years, there will be no awkwardness. Of course people will be people giving us glances and talking about us both being in the same place together but I feel that as long as there is no personal awkwardness between us and that we both have each others backs when words are said. I will make it clear to her that although it is everyone’s annual dream to have a New Year’s kiss, I will still be able to offer the next best thing, a New Year’s hug…a #newyearshug. I mean I don’t want her to be alone at what will be a rather difficult time of year and I would like her to feel warm and welcome in to all of my mates lives, as part of the family, just like this whole relationship period has brought me closer to her friends. Only downside to this is that if we try to have a friendship we will need to keep it quite quiet for a little while with a few people in the group wanting me to drop her from my life full stop. From some people who I thought would be close to her or impartial I have heard some truly absurd things in their attempts to turn me off of her or get mad at her. Some have produced purely unbelievable lies, some have even resulted to insulting her appearance which is absolutely out of order and I’ve had to defend her no matter how much she had hurt me because not only were the insults fragrant lies but also very hurtful. However possibly more troubling I have heard from a few of her closest friends from back home how they hoped that I would have had such an impact that she would change away from the half sloth half partying wildchild that being at university transforms her in to. Some even suggesting that we hold an intervention for her to scare her in to what may happen if she doesn’t change. Even though we never want her to fall, we have all agreed that we’d rather it be sooner, rather than later so that there will actually be people willing to catch her.
To cap off all of the craziness, I’ve been having flashbacks to our greatest moments, so realistic that I feel as though I’m living and breathing in the moment, waking up minutes later. The worst part about the whole situation is that on that final night before University I had a premonition that as I was so happy, something majorly wrong would happen to bring me down, even after the first dreadful week, I said that I was so grateful to have my Dad and her in my life and that losing them would be the only thing to make my life worse. Even during the period of silence, I had been telling my mates that I thought she would be breaking up with me, something which they all strongly denied…later proved them wrong… So many moments lost in a single second of that message, no many promises of experiences which neither of us had had before; Cuddling up together watching Disney Films on cold Autumn/Winter nights and me keeping her company while she’s alone with her housemates returning home for Christmas Break to name but two. If we had been together for two more weeks I would have had spent over £150 on her Christmas Presents, a couples necklace, with personalised inscription and birthstones as well as a trip to the coast where one of her relatives ashes were scattered, so she could say goodbye and spend a bit of the festive period with them.
Who knows what the future has in store for us…regardless it cannot come soon enough.
But what I do know is, I’ve been Crag Banna…Signing Out.