Mental Health Blog #13

The phrase “Ups and Downs” has never been more true as my life since Saturday Morning. Waking up early on Saturday, I had been full of excitement looking forward to going to Liverpool to spend time with my second best friend ever, that buzz temporarily died mid morning as I had suddenly been hit with a wave of emptiness which brought me to my knees with my head buried in the floor mid exercise routine, bringing the feeling of sickness on so strong that I didn’t make it to the gym.

While in Liverpool I had a wonderful time watching football and just getting to hang out with him and his family. But as soon as I arrived at the train station alone it was a struggle to keep my mind from wandering back the loss of love and liveliness. The memories and pictures that had once been sweet reminders of what happiness had felt like, now turned to cripple me, having some degree of chest pain ever since. As someone who lives off believing in certainties, having those as reminders, just served to convince myself that there is no guarantee that I would feel that happiness in the rest of my life. 

As usual Monday’s are a surprisingly happy time, getting to hang out with my uni friends through lectures and seminars, however something strange happened that afternoon as I tried to nap. I could see one spot on the ceiling above my bed but I couldn’t move my body at all. After a while my body could begin to move slightly although very slowly and heavily. Every time I blinked my view would go back to the same spot on the ceiling and body in the same place as before. There was one episode where I felt as though I  was able to get up and walk over to where my shoes are kept but my sight was still fixed on that same spot. Other episodes included me hearing people knocking for me and calling for me outside of my door but I couldn’t shout out to them. Once getting desperate to wake up I thought I may have been experiencing a heart attack as it is said you feel numbness and a sense of complete euphoria I attempted to cough which only caused me to blink and return to my starting view. Eventually my phone alarm managed to wake me up much to my relief as without it who knows how much longer I would have been trapped there. 

Today is the day that all along I had planned to break the silence with my ex, first of all asking how they are casually before moving on to apologising for my reaction to the break up, forgiving them for the break up and proposing friendship to them, however in recent days I have been questioning whether I should do it today exactly 3 weeks on and even whether I should do it at all, scared of the reaction that would be waiting for me. Of course what I have to say needs to be said at some point and in my opinion sooner rather than later but I cannot force her to unblock me to read this message. Also what if she’s off out tonight, another possibility to factor in. What is the worst that can happen? I get blocked off everything…oh wait that’s already happening. 

Regardless of the outcome, I’ll always be Crag Banna…signing out.


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