Since Wednesday, I have had nothing but Migraines and Chest Pains, sounds like the name of a new rock band, but the only thing that was rocking was me in my room wishing this all to stop…and on Wednesday I very nearly made that happen… The plan to just grab the knife and live stream my goodbyes all over Facebook to later be shared around the globe just felt so tantalising.
I had messaged her the “Hi, I get that you may want more time apart but I just wanted to ask how you are” message…to no response (I had messaged her over snapchat messenger not thinking that she could just click on and delete the message without reading it. Without any response there was no way to get across my apology and forgiveness message…something which has eaten away at me over the past 48 hours, increasing the chest and brain pains to the point where I could not take anymore and I got my best friend to send her the following message (926 Words);
“I’m sorry for breaking the silence, but I felt this was too important not to say and not to be heard. I never wanted to do this through someone else. I know you’re in Uni today and I don’t expect a reply, or you to unblock me or anything, and I get 4 weeks is no where near long enough to get over someone. I know you hate incredibly long messages but this one is important, after this no more long messages or talk by me of the break up, I just need to say it because it’s killing me holding this in any longer you may just delete this but I can’t say that I didn’t try, I can’t promise but I pledge to try my hardest to not message you again for as long as you would like the separation to last. To try and properly move on I need to apologise and forgive. I feel bad for the way I reacted in those few days, I may not have gone around spreading crap like a lot of exes but my behaviour was far from that fitting of a former companion. Reading back over those messages and some of the happier ones I realised how difficult it must have been for you to make and stick with your decision and how uncomfortable you must have been with the battle between your head and heart. You know that all I’ve wanted was for you to be happy and comfortable but in those moments past me was selfish only thinking that the whole summer and every plan we made was all for nothing, like you were about to vanish in to thin air and life would go back to before we even met, my worst fear had come true, and acting how I did just made things worse. You had been nothing but amazing towards me, even in those few minutes after breaking up you tried calming me down, saying that you’d still want to see me, have laughs, have smiles (Something I would like to offer back) and then I went in to my worst quality, never give up mode, you didn’t deserve that. If I had known you only wanted to try a friendship I would never have sent all those long messages and most definitely shouldn’t have insinuated or even entertained the idea that there was a secret reason even thinking of it makes me bang my head against a wall, also whatever stuff you get up to relations wise is none of my business. You made your decision and I respect that (although I wish that you had told me about the battle with your thoughts sooner if it had troubled you so long, despite it possibly not making a difference I could have at very least listened rather than you try to hold it in, and be uncomfortable. To paraphrase what you said “I should have been the one you wanted to tell or talk to if you were upset or if something was wrong”, I may not be able to fix your problems but I could make sure you don’t face them alone), it makes me cringe how desperate I acted trying to change your mind. It’s been hard to keep this apology from you because it pains me all the time when I feel as though I’ve done somebody wrong, but I knew how important having space was/is. I know there’s the phrase “Words said out of desperation and anger leave permanent scars no matter how much sorry is said” but whenever we see each other next whether it be several weeks or Christmas or 20 years time I will prove the apology to you, I’ve said sorry so much it almost has no meaning. Sure I’m gonna care about you in some amount for a while but the time apart has showed me I can control myself and keep it non relationship, I get why you did what you did and I hope we can try start to rebuild and possibly build on whatever friendship was there before, I certainly don’t hate you or have any negative feelings towards you (Still never lied to you, disrespected you, stick up for you when people try to get me to rant. Being a friendship turned companionship, we didn’t break up because of anything negative, it was something that needed to happen for your well-being and I can’t blame you for that, if I hadn’t acted like such a desperate ass who didn’t read or think things through then we wouldn’t be in this situation, we’d probably have still been those people who got along so well but as friends already). I meant what I said about looking out for you and trying to help with your stresses, the same courtesy that you offered me, and trust me I won’t just abandon you if it becomes heavy, (Whether I’m a shoulder to cry on even though you never cry, an ass to kick, face to rant at or escape from Buxton life) and wanting to put a smile of your face like my mates back home (Just ask Maddie, Katie, Hanna C, Scott, Hannah P or Keeley how that is if need be) and I’d rather try have you in my life as a friend than nothing at all, at very least being civil acquaintances and trying to have a good time together when we inevitably see each other over Christmas Break. What do you say? In the future attempted friends?”
It has brought about some relief, some sense of closure. A sense of if this was too much for her and too heavy during the silence she’ll never want to speak again…then fine, nothing is changing from how it is now. If she would like to start talking again or accept the apology… then fine, I have a fledgling friendship and can start to rebuild around her. But as well as this it has also felt like the closure of one door of negativity and the opening of another as I can’t help but feel the negative thoughts which led to the silence the thought of her being with another man, even though she doesn’t want a relationship right now, even though she’s a person who prefers to live alone…she’s a highly attractive and smart woman who could have any guy she wants, so for all I know she could have had multiple rebounds, even though there is no evidence of this and she isn’t really that kind of girl to be motivated by her libido, with Chaos Theory anything is possible.
As I said in the message, we never fought, we never lied, we never cheated. We went through the stages of Friendship to Relationship to Companionship. The break up had its valid reasons so why are we in this mess? Because I didn’t read the break up messages properly, because I was scared of losing her completely…ironically something that I’ve probably caused. I should have kept quiet way back then and we would have carried on and probably met up and had laughs since then. But instead here we are, over 3 weeks of nothing, looking at another 5 minimum…If I could go back to any point it would be then. Anything is better than nothing.
To add fuel to the fire that is my misery, my flat mates girlfriend is over every night and the humour/preferences between her and my ex are staggering. It’s so mirrored it is like an ever haunting reminder that every giggle and chat and good time they’re having should be me and my ex. There have even been points where I’ve randomly just rolled over and kissed my pillow…while I’m awake. I’m declaring insanity.
I may be losing my mind and nearly losing my life but I will never lose the name Crag Banna…signing out.