Mental Health Blog #21

I give up. I no longer attempt to comprehend the actions of others. I have no idea what is real anymore…

Over the past few posts I have mentioned how I got a like on one of my Instagram Videos by my exes housemate which was then removed. I had settled on the thought that it was accidental and that it was removed for that purpose. However it now seems as though that like was actually meant as a positive view on the post of me singing and was removed in attempt to stop me realising they were checking my social media.

Last night something similar happened. On one of my YouTube Music Cover Videos, from the same girl, I got the comment “Keep it Up 🙂 Great Voice”. Personally as I think I sounded awful in the video there is the chance it was sarcastic yet again but I feel as though they are a genuine enough person to be kind and supportive about my singing. This comment was not removed soon after like the like and I even had the chance to reply to her. As the only way for her to know about the videos were to go through the links on my Instagram it indicates that she (more than likely with my ex) were going through my Instagram posts once again.

So many new questions have come from this; Is she deaf thinking that I have a great voice? Is it just her checking up on me or is my ex in on it too? Is she speaking for my ex who I assume is still staying away for self preservation? As my music isn’t that good, is this her way of trying to woo me? If my ex and she cares so much, like so much and checks up so much then why no message?

I fear that these are yet more questions that will go unanswered but if I post more musical content, there is a chance they will keep liking or commenting and if that’s the only way of communicating so be it. I left a like on her most recent Instagram picture by way of repaying the kindness (And because it was a nice picture). If this back and forth keeps up, surely one of us will have to follow the other or make the first message. I’m open to being kind and friendly with her, like I’m open to being friends with my ex. Obviously if there was an attempt at flirting from her which is about a one in infinity chance (As I am the least attractive, untalented guy around) then props to my ex for bigging me up but I wouldn’t take her up on it…would I… haha. Of course not, couldn’t do that to my ex…even though they have no bro code, I’m still no gonna cause that rubbish between them. However if it is my ex trying to communicate through her…that’s a whole different twisting story with so many more possibilities and thoughts of what to do. I would probably run out of words on this post before I explain it all in depth.

Maybe that will all be for another day, but for now, I’m a confused Crag Banna…signing out.

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Mental Health Blog #20

I’m confused. I. Do. Not. Get. Girls.

I’ll post a proper update soon but for now I’ve got to say this; I like everyone else I know, has no idea what is going on with my ex. Let’s have a look at the facts and see if they add up:

  1. She acts like I do not exist. (I’m blocked from everything but snapchat and my 5 attempts to make contact since the blockings have gone ignored)
  2. All of our couples pictures are still on her Facebook and Instagram.
  3. The gifts I got her are still on display in her room.
  4. She checks up on me by talking to my friends.
  5. She keeps checking my social media.
  6. Her best (Only true) friend treats me really well when I’ve only met her once.

It is said that there are only two reasons for someone to ignore someone else. They hate the other person or they have been hurt by that other person.

So… if she hates me or I have somehow hurt her to that point of ignorance, why does she keep all of those reminders around? Why does she bother torturing herself wondering what is on my social media? Why does her best friend not hate me or even show slight dislike?

None of this makes sense. Some people have said that it’s a sign she’s still in to me. Some people have said that she’s just an odd/mean person. Some people have said that it isn’t me that has caused the hurt, that it is all still the stress and that she can’t handle the happiness I’d give her through fear of getting over attached and hurt herself. Everyone has said that they hope we work this out and can end up friends. And I really do hope so myself. It’s been over two months now, and in less than three weeks we are both free for Christmas break, if she stays at Uni, she’ll have 3 weeks alone away from home for Christmas, if she comes home she’ll have about 2 people who’d want to hang out. I just want to help, I just want to make her happy, I just want to care for her, I just want to know what is going on in that incredible mind. That’s all I’ve ever wanted regarding her, she deserves so much happiness so any way that she could be hurt and I can’t help is a killer. All I need is that one message, even if it is just “Hi, how are you?” and it stays at that for one day. It is progress, progress towards that better, happier life for the two of us. I don’t believe she intentionally broke her promises to me. It’s always been damage limitation and I can accept that.

I’ve been Crag Banna, rather hurriedly…signing out.

Blink and You’ve Mist It!

It was all about Grey Views and Grayson at The Silverlands on Saturday as Buxton welcomed Rushall Olympic for their Evo-Stik Premier Division clash under heavy fog.

Despite only half of the pitch being visible, there was plenty of action on display within the first minute as The Bucks recovered from an immediate attack to counter, using a defence splitting through ball to allow Bradley Grayson to round the Olympic keeper, Jose Veiga and slot home giving the home side the early lead.

From the majority of fan’s viewpoints there was very little else of note in the first half as play for the most part disappeared into the mist with Buxton attacking down the right hand side, broken up with barrages of long balls from either side. However, when play did eventually reach the near touchline spectators were treated to ongoing verbal conflict between Bucks trio; Ricky Ravenhill, Nicky Walker and Greg Young.

A moment of controversy arose in the 35th minute as Rushall’s Aaron Forde went un-booked for a studs up challenge in the heart of midfield, leading to the match officials being heavily berated by both Buxton players and supporters alike, calling in to question the effect of the fog on officiating efficiency.

After the interval the floodlights did not help the view as the mist set in deeper, losing the far goal from sight from my position near the halfway line. However Buxton seemed reinvigorated since the restart, with a period of pressure finally culminating in a Nicky Walker strike just inside the area nestling in the bottom corner on the 63 minute mark giving the all blue Buxton side a two goal cushion.

Grayson wrapped up the scoring in the 79th minute following a sublime strike on the edge of the box, giving himself a brace and The Bucks the three points against the promotion rivals with the final ten minutes plunged in to near darkness. The win took Buxton in to second place, leapfrogging Olympic and Blyth Spartans (Who didn’t play due to Cup involvement) in the process.

With four points separating the top four and Blyth Spartans having two games in hand, next Saturday’s game between The Spartans and The Bucks at Croft Park became an even more important must-win for both sides.

 

Half Time: Buxton 1-0 Rushall Olympic

Full Time: Buxton 3-0 Rushall Olympic

Scorers: Buxton- Grayson(2) and Walker

Man of the Match: Bradley Grayson

Attendance: 313, The Silverlands

Referee: Wade Smith

Mental Health Blog #19

Sorry I haven’t been posting much of late as the University Silly Season has well and truly kicked in with three and a half weeks to do three assignments calling for late nights and early mornings just so I can enjoy my Saturdays in peace. And Silly Season hasn’t just been restricted to the academic side of me with the mind having its shot too.

Let’s kick off with last Tuesday Night. I had gone to sleep early, briefly waking up at 1am to see that my exes housemate (who I met once) had left a like on one of my Instagram Posts…a video of me out in the countryside singing Michael Buble’s “Beautiful Day” with the lyrics;

It’s a beautiful day,

The sun is up, the music’s playin’.

And if it started raining, you won’t hear this boy complainin’,

Because I’m glad that you’re the one that got away.

It’s a beautiful day.

 

Now, as there is no reason why she would have gone on to my profile of her own accord, it could only mean one thing…that my ex was orchestrating it all. From my view point there can only be three reasons for the like being placed and later removed;

  1. They genuinely liked the post but then removed it to try to hide their snooping tracks.
  2. They accidentally liked the post trying to get the sound to work then removed it to try hide their snooping tracks.
  3. It was a sarcastic like, taking it personally that I had sung the penultimate line, then removing it in an attempt of telling me to F**k off.

So this has made it clear to me that despite her still reading my snapchats, she still looks at my Instagram despite me being blocked by her…if anyone can make sense of that I’d be surprised.

Today is 2 months since we broke up, and it has been 3 weeks since I last attempted to talk to her. Yesterday I knew that I wouldn’t get a read or even response from my ex if I messaged her directly about having work in her town on Saturday and asking if she’d like to go for a coffee…so I didn’t…instead I messaged her best friend at University who I was surprised to hear back from in a friendly manner, even receiving a kiss at the end of the message…I’m one of her closest friends’ exes, and someone who her closest friends is passionately hating and against but still she acts kind towards me. Possibly it was because in my message I came across as being moved on from the whole situation with me telling her that I didn’t want to cause trouble and that I was just trying to be friendly and civil so it wasn’t so bad when we see each other at Christmas around mutual friends. From this it became clear that her friends who I had met still had no problem with me and welcomed me like part of the group, very strange but also very positive. With the message passed on and influence of her close friend, even if she doesn’t agree to have coffee with me, there is still something there for her to think about, there is still that show that I’m being adult, calm and kind throughout this process letting her know that I’m not a bad person and someone she could realistically be friends with over time.

In the conscious world Saturday was a strange experience but a fun one. I had the chance to trick everybody I knew in to thinking I had found myself a partner and gone on a date with them, where in fact I entered the world of Masturdating. The world where you take yourself on a date, so you can relax, so you can plan future dates and get to know yourself better. My date had 6 parts; Christmas Markets, Dinner at Chinese Buffet World, Dr. Strange at the Cinema, Quiet walk through the City Christmas Lights, Milkshakes at Archies and finally Back to mine for music and chill…perfect for anybody who loves Winter and Movies. I loved seeing the confusion over my social media when people would ask who “She” was. With me replying “Who said it was a she?” with people thinking that I had turned homosexual before I finally revealed what Masturdating was to a mixed reception of shock and adulation for such a good concept.

Meanwhile the latest unconscious episode of my life, played out once again hyper-realistically despite the last premonition like dream not coming to fruition yet. This time I had seen that the meeting on Saturday had gone ahead and although rocky had gone well. This was followed by an accidental meeting between her with her housemates and my Italian uni mate with myself in a supermarket where the conversation started to run better with a slight bit of fun tension between us two.  As I returned home I had a series of gifs sent to me from her making it clear that we would only ever be friends and that I was firmly within the friendzone to which I replied that this was all I had wanted since 3 weeks after the break up and that she had never listened when I tried to tell her such. Next scene was me taking her little brother Christmas shopping with the permission of her mum. Upon returning, my ex asked if she could stay at mine for a few nights with her then living with my family as she took the living room and I stayed in my bed, however one night I came downstairs to get some food, ending up tripping over her where we both stayed for the rest of the night. After that period of living we found ourselves outside her house where she asked me out to a nightclub party…just the two of us. I told her that I would only go out with her on two conditions; If she took 24 hours to think it over so I didn’t commit to anything that she didn’t want and that if and when any doubts or stresses came up, she would let me know so we could talk about it so it wouldn’t build up again.

 

Only time will tell whether that will come to life, more likely starting with the texting boundaries and skipping to the partying at New Years where I then would tell her the two conditions.

Who know, I certainly don’t, I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #18

“Are you happy?”

That was the question of the week…something so simple yet so thought provoking. Last week, someone who I hadn’t spoken to since the break up of my ex and myself messaged me, simply asking the question “Are you happy?”. What was I supposed to say to that? Had I done something wrong and I was in trouble, message being like an “Are you proud of yourself?” moment? Had something bad happened and I should have had a reason to not be happy? No matter what, there was a high likelihood that it would be funnelled back to my ex. So…what did I say? “Yeah, yeah, I guess I really am. This weekend has been amazing, I think I’m starting to get used to this whole independent thing”. Following that message I heard nothing from them for another two days at which point they tried to get a conversation out of  me by letting me know that they had spoken about me. To me nothing will change in my happiness with matters surrounding her until I hear from her even though I am fully aware that that day may never come.

On the whole the past week has been incredible. I nailed my Coaching Group Presentation with my lecturer going on to ask me for my past assignments to use as examples to show first years and the newly hired coaching staff what a first class assignment looked like.

On Saturday was the big event, built up to be some massive three hour uphill task, full of rain, mud and being perilously close to slipping to my death. However it was not as scary as first thought. Being thoroughly underprepared in comparison to the others on the mountain with only my phone to take pictures and two bottles of water as well as wearing football boots I should have failed in climbing Pen-y-ghent. However within two hours and five minutes I had scaled the 694ft hill and returned to the bottom. My legs hurt more in the first ten minutes than the whole of the descent. I would have been stuck up there had I not known basic climbing skills…at one point there were two routes to the same ledge, both of which you had to stick to with one wrong or unbalanced step back forcing you to fall off of a sheer drop. I had reached a step which was too high for my leg so I had to feel my way to an arete and pull my way up the rock face a few metres before leaping off. The views were stunning, but even better were the people up there, everybody said hello and asked how you were, those who you walked with all shared their life stories with you and kept you company so amongst all of the open expanse.

There is so much more I could tell you about the past week but I shall leave that for another day.

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #17

Just a quick update on yesterday’s post.

Last night I had an incredible time at the Manchester Platt Fields Firework Display, winning myself a plushie friend, finding a great doughnut vendor and of course watching the amazing music themed display. I may not have made any friends at that event but I still enjoyed the company of myself, stepping out of my flat, out of my comfort zone, to do something which I enjoyed, not relying on anyone elses participation in my life for happiness. But to be honest that would have been the only thing to make my whole night better. Even when I got back in I had a relaxing night watching the Lilo and Stitch movie while eating Ice Cream, but that old saying of mine popped back up for the first time since May 18th, possibly minutes, not even hours before my ex lit up my phone for the first time since New Years, “Life isn’t as fun when you have no one to share it with”. Sure that would normally have hit me hard, being all alone, especially knowing that there were multiple people who I like and care about that also had no one and nothing to do for bonfire night so they all sat in bored and down. If I could have clicked my fingers and brought them to where I was it would have made everything that much more special. Watching their faces light up with the sky in synchronicity, but I couldn’t the truth was people had a poor time because I couldn’t help them. Prime example, my ex. Loves Christmas Lights, loves fireworks, loves Lilo and Stitch, under so much stress in need of relief, left alone all weekend, yet if we hadn’t have broken up or had moved on to being friends already, she could have been there to witness those special once a year events, we could have increased out happiness exponentially, but we couldn’t.

Speaking of her, I didn’t hear from her in the end and I severely doubt that I will today, so I can only hope that I hear from her at some point in the next 16 or so days so I don’t have to go through a third party to inform her about my work nearby. Unintentionally I ran the experiment I had mentioned in my last Mental Health Blog Post and once again it proved true and within 5 minutes of all my firework display content going live, the read receipts kept on coming through that she had seen all of them. Even the post about watching Lilo and Stitch, 20 minutes after the other, she saw within 3 minutes on being sent online, similarly a post this afternoon about getting two Soy Sauce Sachets in my Pot Noodle…within 10 minutes. Now all I’ve got to do is hope that this high interest translates in to a message from her as it genuinely irks me that she’s suffering with no one willing to help and those willing to help are just being ignored, that while I’m here drowning in work, I’m able to still work out, draw, enjoy myself and get the work done while she’s sleeping, running in circles, not getting the work done and stressing herself out more to the point of illness. Final point on the whole snapchat situation, why has she not removed my name from the friends list if she is blanking me this hard. It’s like why wasn’t I blocked on Instagram and some say I wasn’t blocked on Facebook, just she hid her profile from my view, meaning my posts still come up on hers as usual.

Once again there was something else I was meant to write about but I can’t remember, I’m not sure how regularly I will post this week due to assignment commitments and my hill climb next Saturday so next Sunday should be the latest you hear from me. I may not be able to give any guarantees on that but I can guarantee that I am Crag Banna…Signing Out.

Mental Health Blog #16

For the first time in a long while I can say I am genuinely happy, this smile is naturally on my face and I don’t care if it looks horrible. No pain in my chest, no pain in my head, no pain anywhere, just beautiful optimism and newfound love for human kind. I’ll end on just why in a minute but first a few things to clear up about my ex.

The only point of confusion at the minute isn’t the assignment which I have been given one week before hand in date but why if my ex is so dead set on ignoring me and almost denying that I exist, why does she always be one of the first people to read my snapchat content? And why does this even happen at times where she should be occupied with her friends? On two instances in the past I have taken a lot of snapchats to put on my story, times being the Halloween Party last Saturday and the Manchester Christmas Lights Turn on (which I shall cover later). If I was truly being ignored and blocked out of her life, she would either not click on my name in the “Stories” list or if she had it on automatic play and I had just carried on from the previous person surely before all 8 of my new posts were seen she would have realised it was me and gone off on to the next person. So that’s my first query about it all but my second is the speed in which these happen, always within the first 5 people to see my new updates, often within the first 30 minutes of content being posted. Last Sunday morning…2am, when I suspect she was out clubbing with her University friends, celebrating Halloween, every time I posted a new picture within 5 minutes she had seen it…this didn’t happen once but 3 times with pictures taken 20 minutes apart. Surely if I mean that little to her why would she be standing in a nightclub, surrounded by her friends, checking out my topless trying to get make up off selfies. Either she was on her phone the entire time which I would argue is rude towards her friends or she was having a crap time so constantly on the app, or she knew that I was posting a lot so she checked back very regularly to see if I had put up anything else. Also if I’m in her mind and on her phone that much, when I asked if she was alright when she was in hospital or when I offered to be there for her when I had been told she was publicly posting how much she was suffering from stress, why did she not even give me a hint of a reply?

This leads me on to my second point about her. Even though I’m attempting a No Contact Period where I see none of her posts on any social media or respond to her messages (If she ever sends any), her only true friend back home as well as a couple of others keep updating me on what she’s posting or up to even though I don’t ask for it as that clearly defeats the point of No Contact. Last night I was told that she felt down and didn’t know what do to with herself all weekend as all of her housemates and friends had gone away on a trip leaving her alone with her high amounts of stress in the house for the whole weekend and that it was highly likely that she would do one of two things, either; she would sleep for the vast majority or she would think about me so much to the point that I would receive a message asking to talk or visit so she wouldn’t be alone. As yet I have heard nothing from her and until I do I don’t take anything for granted, however it does trouble me a little the situation she’s in and that her friends and my snapchat read receipts think she thinks of me a lot. Obviously if she did ask me to go over I would ask her if she was sure before going as to not want to cause any trouble, I would establish the boundaries that I would be sleeping on the couch, not in her room and that physical contact would be limited to a consoling hug/cuddle if she needed it when talking about her stresses, like A FRIEND would. No kissing, no alcohol, no hooking up, just relaxed and comfortable, Disney Movie and Ice Cream kind of night.

The third point on her…jheeze I talk about her far too much. I have hyper realistic dreams which have a tendency of predicting the future of some point. The last one I had before Thursday Night was two days before she dumped me, I believe I wrote about in a previous Mental Health Blog post, where she indeed cried on me due to the stress (I didn’t know about it in real life at the time) she was under and later on she dumped me via text…all of which played out two days later. This time it was a big one. It was like one of those massive flash dance mob musical scenes through the streets of New York…except this time it was Deansgate Manchester. It started out with just me and my three male best friends walking on the path down the street where we were then joined by the girls in the group, all having a laugh, bouncing down the path, then she and her friends from back home joined as we spilled out on to the road holding up traffic behind us. Still all of us were chatting, reconnecting but the two of us at all times stayed on opposite sides of the group. A bit later on I crossed the road to meet an old friend of the group, and we held hands talking as we made our way down the opposite side of the road to everyone else. My hand holder, pointed out that my ex had been ignoring me the whole time but something didn’t seem right. As the road narrowed to a 4 way Cross Junction path my ex saw that I was holding hands having a great time with another girl even though she was only a friend. She sharply turned and ran down the alleyway to our left with the girls of the group all in hot pursuit, leaving the guys and two more friends we met in the middle of the cross section. After a few minutes, her closest friends came out walked away from me and loudly spoke of how she didn’t want to do what she did to me and that somebody at her University broke her mind and heart. Enraged thinking it could only be the drug dealer who in real life tried to get her to go with him for free drugs, I smashed the chicken drumstick I had suddenly found myself to be eating on a ledge nearby throwing it on the ground, claiming that I would go to his house and beat him for what he did to ruin both of our lives but the whole group restrained me until I calmed down. The whole group rejoined and carried on down the path, however quite a way down the road I spotted an old friend who I have only ever met the once but she was the original girl who I had fancied back when I was 13. We hugged and walked together almost as though we were a couple. Once we had got back with the group my ex in front of everybody told me how she felt about me wanting to give us a second chance…but I said no, that I couldn’t go through it again and that I was going out with Illie, the girl who I had fancied since I was young…the scene cut there.

What could that have meant all meant? That there will be some massive twist at the huge group Christmas Party/New Years Party which are both going to be like school reunions this year with the sheer amount of people attending. When we see each other in person next who knows what will happen? Will one of us/both of us have feeling rush back, especially as New Years is the year anniversary of when we got together? Will someone else pop in to my life at the time when she realises she wants to be with me? Will we ignore each other with an underlying desire to converse? Nobody knows. Should this silence continue until the Christmas Party it will have been exactly 3 months since we broke up and 12 weeks since we last spoke to each other.

So why am I so damn happy right now? It all happened last night at Manchester’s Christmas Light Turn On. On paper it should have been awful for me, wearing a jumper out in the pouring rain, with full blown social anxiety kicking off as I found myself in the middle of a crowd of thousands of people in the dark. But it really wasn’t, not only did fighting the anxiety boost my confidence no end, being able to go enjoy some top class entertainment, lights and firework display as well as being able to have a laugh with complete strangers who I stood near, singing along to the music and being able to overlook the negative of the rain was incredible to do as someone who finally didn’t feel alone in this city. That isn’t even the best part as something incredible happened. I could have gone there, been rained on for two and a half hours, seen the show and gone home. But then life threw in a simply brilliant twist. Standing at the pre show, this lady spotted me getting drenched, came over and raised her umbrella over my head. This woman’s name was Isabella and she had come all the way from Portugal for University, no friends, no family here, barely spoke a word of English, didn’t know her way around the city only having lived there for a month. Now she could barely speak English and I certainly couldn’t speak Portuguese but what translated in to any language were two things, our kindness towards each other and our smiles. We could have been two random people sad that we couldn’t share the event with the people we cared about and loved most, lost amongst a sea of strangers but instead we found a way to care about each other, look out for each other, and help each other have an even better time than we could have expected. I cannot thank her enough for being there last night and if I ever see her again, she will surely be a friend for life…

Well, I’ve got to go and get cracking on some assignments, I wish I could type them as quickly as I do these, having done 1874 words in an hour. One day I will be able two but until then, I will be Crag Banna…signing out.