It’s been 12 days since I last posted on here in the Mental Health series and they’ve been pretty eventful…each day following the tight theme of friendship.
The last time I posted on here I had got my bestfriend to send the massive nigh on a thousand word closure message which I had been bottling up. In the whole since then, I have felt no pain…aside from the day after. On the Saturday, I returned home for reading week from University and to get all of that pain out of my system once and for all I took a trip to the Rock Climbing wall which she and I had once called ours, I climbed a little, before sitting at the base, and for the final time went through every message that we ever sent, every picture that we ever took, spoke about every dream we ever had and let it all out in one big relieving cry. That night I had been sent a couple of pictures of her on a night out, fair to say some were much more flattering than the others.
The next morning, I vowed to start a 30 days no contact, no looking at her snapchat story, no anything…I lasted 9 days as I found that she had been taken to hospital, and in the spirit of wanting to be friends I messaged her asking how she was…no reply. I have since restarted the period of no contact and hope to keep it for the next 19 days.
Over reading week I had come to a realisation that we were in fact a great friendship, ruined by a good relationship, that over the summer we were friends for over 2 months before we decided to push the envelope and become a couple for over 1 month and that since 3 weeks after the break up all that I missed was the friendship that we had and not the things that were unique to a relationship. Sure kissing, cuddling and all the rest of that is fun but if I was seriously that hard up for it, I would try to get a one night stand on a night out. However there is forever and always will only be one of her, to have those talks about those interests, to have those unique jokes and good times. This hit me hardest in the past few days knowing how much she loves Halloween and the whole horror aspect of it, as well as with Christmas soon approaching, how much she loves the festive period.
The only heartbreaking moment came on the day when I decided to place myself under 30 days of no contact as I visited my Nan to help her put up her Christmas decorations…yes, Christmas decorations before the final week of October. She turned to me going: I’m so glad that you’ve found yourself such a beautiful girl to keep you happy and enjoy life with, I hope I can make it to Christmas to meet her. That’s when I had the choice to either lie about the break up and keep my Nan happy thinking that I was loved up…or do what I did and went for the blatantly honest truth and broke it to her that I was now single…I felt like doing the right thing made me the worlds biggest ass.
The rest of the break was filled with having fun with my friends back home, including a Halloween party where I dressed up as Jeff Hardy and suffered slight allergic burns to my face. Since returning I have planned to take up a few new activities in attempts to broaden my horizons such as Salsa Dancing, Rock Climbing (In a new place), visiting Church occasionally and going to Christmas Light and Bonfire Night events alone.
However one thing has troubled me on returning. I learned that the stresses that had pushed my ex to the point of breaking up with me were back…with a vengeance. Again I tonight am breaking the No Contact Rule to offer my hand to her, whether she reads it or responds to it is another story but all I can do at this time is try to make myself aware to her as an outlet for relief.
I know there is so much which I have left out of this post, due to writing this in a rush, if I remember anything, I will add it to the next one as I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.