Mental Health Blog #16

For the first time in a long while I can say I am genuinely happy, this smile is naturally on my face and I don’t care if it looks horrible. No pain in my chest, no pain in my head, no pain anywhere, just beautiful optimism and newfound love for human kind. I’ll end on just why in a minute but first a few things to clear up about my ex.

The only point of confusion at the minute isn’t the assignment which I have been given one week before hand in date but why if my ex is so dead set on ignoring me and almost denying that I exist, why does she always be one of the first people to read my snapchat content? And why does this even happen at times where she should be occupied with her friends? On two instances in the past I have taken a lot of snapchats to put on my story, times being the Halloween Party last Saturday and the Manchester Christmas Lights Turn on (which I shall cover later). If I was truly being ignored and blocked out of her life, she would either not click on my name in the “Stories” list or if she had it on automatic play and I had just carried on from the previous person surely before all 8 of my new posts were seen she would have realised it was me and gone off on to the next person. So that’s my first query about it all but my second is the speed in which these happen, always within the first 5 people to see my new updates, often within the first 30 minutes of content being posted. Last Sunday morning…2am, when I suspect she was out clubbing with her University friends, celebrating Halloween, every time I posted a new picture within 5 minutes she had seen it…this didn’t happen once but 3 times with pictures taken 20 minutes apart. Surely if I mean that little to her why would she be standing in a nightclub, surrounded by her friends, checking out my topless trying to get make up off selfies. Either she was on her phone the entire time which I would argue is rude towards her friends or she was having a crap time so constantly on the app, or she knew that I was posting a lot so she checked back very regularly to see if I had put up anything else. Also if I’m in her mind and on her phone that much, when I asked if she was alright when she was in hospital or when I offered to be there for her when I had been told she was publicly posting how much she was suffering from stress, why did she not even give me a hint of a reply?

This leads me on to my second point about her. Even though I’m attempting a No Contact Period where I see none of her posts on any social media or respond to her messages (If she ever sends any), her only true friend back home as well as a couple of others keep updating me on what she’s posting or up to even though I don’t ask for it as that clearly defeats the point of No Contact. Last night I was told that she felt down and didn’t know what do to with herself all weekend as all of her housemates and friends had gone away on a trip leaving her alone with her high amounts of stress in the house for the whole weekend and that it was highly likely that she would do one of two things, either; she would sleep for the vast majority or she would think about me so much to the point that I would receive a message asking to talk or visit so she wouldn’t be alone. As yet I have heard nothing from her and until I do I don’t take anything for granted, however it does trouble me a little the situation she’s in and that her friends and my snapchat read receipts think she thinks of me a lot. Obviously if she did ask me to go over I would ask her if she was sure before going as to not want to cause any trouble, I would establish the boundaries that I would be sleeping on the couch, not in her room and that physical contact would be limited to a consoling hug/cuddle if she needed it when talking about her stresses, like A FRIEND would. No kissing, no alcohol, no hooking up, just relaxed and comfortable, Disney Movie and Ice Cream kind of night.

The third point on her…jheeze I talk about her far too much. I have hyper realistic dreams which have a tendency of predicting the future of some point. The last one I had before Thursday Night was two days before she dumped me, I believe I wrote about in a previous Mental Health Blog post, where she indeed cried on me due to the stress (I didn’t know about it in real life at the time) she was under and later on she dumped me via text…all of which played out two days later. This time it was a big one. It was like one of those massive flash dance mob musical scenes through the streets of New York…except this time it was Deansgate Manchester. It started out with just me and my three male best friends walking on the path down the street where we were then joined by the girls in the group, all having a laugh, bouncing down the path, then she and her friends from back home joined as we spilled out on to the road holding up traffic behind us. Still all of us were chatting, reconnecting but the two of us at all times stayed on opposite sides of the group. A bit later on I crossed the road to meet an old friend of the group, and we held hands talking as we made our way down the opposite side of the road to everyone else. My hand holder, pointed out that my ex had been ignoring me the whole time but something didn’t seem right. As the road narrowed to a 4 way Cross Junction path my ex saw that I was holding hands having a great time with another girl even though she was only a friend. She sharply turned and ran down the alleyway to our left with the girls of the group all in hot pursuit, leaving the guys and two more friends we met in the middle of the cross section. After a few minutes, her closest friends came out walked away from me and loudly spoke of how she didn’t want to do what she did to me and that somebody at her University broke her mind and heart. Enraged thinking it could only be the drug dealer who in real life tried to get her to go with him for free drugs, I smashed the chicken drumstick I had suddenly found myself to be eating on a ledge nearby throwing it on the ground, claiming that I would go to his house and beat him for what he did to ruin both of our lives but the whole group restrained me until I calmed down. The whole group rejoined and carried on down the path, however quite a way down the road I spotted an old friend who I have only ever met the once but she was the original girl who I had fancied back when I was 13. We hugged and walked together almost as though we were a couple. Once we had got back with the group my ex in front of everybody told me how she felt about me wanting to give us a second chance…but I said no, that I couldn’t go through it again and that I was going out with Illie, the girl who I had fancied since I was young…the scene cut there.

What could that have meant all meant? That there will be some massive twist at the huge group Christmas Party/New Years Party which are both going to be like school reunions this year with the sheer amount of people attending. When we see each other in person next who knows what will happen? Will one of us/both of us have feeling rush back, especially as New Years is the year anniversary of when we got together? Will someone else pop in to my life at the time when she realises she wants to be with me? Will we ignore each other with an underlying desire to converse? Nobody knows. Should this silence continue until the Christmas Party it will have been exactly 3 months since we broke up and 12 weeks since we last spoke to each other.

So why am I so damn happy right now? It all happened last night at Manchester’s Christmas Light Turn On. On paper it should have been awful for me, wearing a jumper out in the pouring rain, with full blown social anxiety kicking off as I found myself in the middle of a crowd of thousands of people in the dark. But it really wasn’t, not only did fighting the anxiety boost my confidence no end, being able to go enjoy some top class entertainment, lights and firework display as well as being able to have a laugh with complete strangers who I stood near, singing along to the music and being able to overlook the negative of the rain was incredible to do as someone who finally didn’t feel alone in this city. That isn’t even the best part as something incredible happened. I could have gone there, been rained on for two and a half hours, seen the show and gone home. But then life threw in a simply brilliant twist. Standing at the pre show, this lady spotted me getting drenched, came over and raised her umbrella over my head. This woman’s name was Isabella and she had come all the way from Portugal for University, no friends, no family here, barely spoke a word of English, didn’t know her way around the city only having lived there for a month. Now she could barely speak English and I certainly couldn’t speak Portuguese but what translated in to any language were two things, our kindness towards each other and our smiles. We could have been two random people sad that we couldn’t share the event with the people we cared about and loved most, lost amongst a sea of strangers but instead we found a way to care about each other, look out for each other, and help each other have an even better time than we could have expected. I cannot thank her enough for being there last night and if I ever see her again, she will surely be a friend for life…

Well, I’ve got to go and get cracking on some assignments, I wish I could type them as quickly as I do these, having done 1874 words in an hour. One day I will be able two but until then, I will be Crag Banna…signing out.

 

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