Mental Health Blog #19

Sorry I haven’t been posting much of late as the University Silly Season has well and truly kicked in with three and a half weeks to do three assignments calling for late nights and early mornings just so I can enjoy my Saturdays in peace. And Silly Season hasn’t just been restricted to the academic side of me with the mind having its shot too.

Let’s kick off with last Tuesday Night. I had gone to sleep early, briefly waking up at 1am to see that my exes housemate (who I met once) had left a like on one of my Instagram Posts…a video of me out in the countryside singing Michael Buble’s “Beautiful Day” with the lyrics;

It’s a beautiful day,

The sun is up, the music’s playin’.

And if it started raining, you won’t hear this boy complainin’,

Because I’m glad that you’re the one that got away.

It’s a beautiful day.

 

Now, as there is no reason why she would have gone on to my profile of her own accord, it could only mean one thing…that my ex was orchestrating it all. From my view point there can only be three reasons for the like being placed and later removed;

  1. They genuinely liked the post but then removed it to try to hide their snooping tracks.
  2. They accidentally liked the post trying to get the sound to work then removed it to try hide their snooping tracks.
  3. It was a sarcastic like, taking it personally that I had sung the penultimate line, then removing it in an attempt of telling me to F**k off.

So this has made it clear to me that despite her still reading my snapchats, she still looks at my Instagram despite me being blocked by her…if anyone can make sense of that I’d be surprised.

Today is 2 months since we broke up, and it has been 3 weeks since I last attempted to talk to her. Yesterday I knew that I wouldn’t get a read or even response from my ex if I messaged her directly about having work in her town on Saturday and asking if she’d like to go for a coffee…so I didn’t…instead I messaged her best friend at University who I was surprised to hear back from in a friendly manner, even receiving a kiss at the end of the message…I’m one of her closest friends’ exes, and someone who her closest friends is passionately hating and against but still she acts kind towards me. Possibly it was because in my message I came across as being moved on from the whole situation with me telling her that I didn’t want to cause trouble and that I was just trying to be friendly and civil so it wasn’t so bad when we see each other at Christmas around mutual friends. From this it became clear that her friends who I had met still had no problem with me and welcomed me like part of the group, very strange but also very positive. With the message passed on and influence of her close friend, even if she doesn’t agree to have coffee with me, there is still something there for her to think about, there is still that show that I’m being adult, calm and kind throughout this process letting her know that I’m not a bad person and someone she could realistically be friends with over time.

In the conscious world Saturday was a strange experience but a fun one. I had the chance to trick everybody I knew in to thinking I had found myself a partner and gone on a date with them, where in fact I entered the world of Masturdating. The world where you take yourself on a date, so you can relax, so you can plan future dates and get to know yourself better. My date had 6 parts; Christmas Markets, Dinner at Chinese Buffet World, Dr. Strange at the Cinema, Quiet walk through the City Christmas Lights, Milkshakes at Archies and finally Back to mine for music and chill…perfect for anybody who loves Winter and Movies. I loved seeing the confusion over my social media when people would ask who “She” was. With me replying “Who said it was a she?” with people thinking that I had turned homosexual before I finally revealed what Masturdating was to a mixed reception of shock and adulation for such a good concept.

Meanwhile the latest unconscious episode of my life, played out once again hyper-realistically despite the last premonition like dream not coming to fruition yet. This time I had seen that the meeting on Saturday had gone ahead and although rocky had gone well. This was followed by an accidental meeting between her with her housemates and my Italian uni mate with myself in a supermarket where the conversation started to run better with a slight bit of fun tension between us two.  As I returned home I had a series of gifs sent to me from her making it clear that we would only ever be friends and that I was firmly within the friendzone to which I replied that this was all I had wanted since 3 weeks after the break up and that she had never listened when I tried to tell her such. Next scene was me taking her little brother Christmas shopping with the permission of her mum. Upon returning, my ex asked if she could stay at mine for a few nights with her then living with my family as she took the living room and I stayed in my bed, however one night I came downstairs to get some food, ending up tripping over her where we both stayed for the rest of the night. After that period of living we found ourselves outside her house where she asked me out to a nightclub party…just the two of us. I told her that I would only go out with her on two conditions; If she took 24 hours to think it over so I didn’t commit to anything that she didn’t want and that if and when any doubts or stresses came up, she would let me know so we could talk about it so it wouldn’t build up again.

 

Only time will tell whether that will come to life, more likely starting with the texting boundaries and skipping to the partying at New Years where I then would tell her the two conditions.

Who know, I certainly don’t, I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

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