Mental Health Blog #22

It may have been 2 months since my last post but I have not died, just had a crazy few weeks and it seems as though all of the madness has settled enough to give you guys an update. To sum it up in one tagline, December and January have been a tale of three girls.

On December 2nd, a girl started messaging me on Tinder, not for sex, but for a fun chat and go on a date. From the very start this was no normal encounter, after 7 days at my Britain’s Got Talent Audition (Yes, that actually happened, and as expected I was terrible), we were talking about meeting parents and what we wanted from the future. After a few of my best jokes, I received arguably the biggest compliment I’ve ever got over text, “I love how you make me laugh, I don’t know why your ex left you”. As the following week unfolded, we set a date for our first date and even had a laugh about our friends. Never have I clicked so quickly and effortlessly with somebody, surprised further by the trust she gave especially after she had been cheated on and dumped on the same day that I had been dumped. On paper you wouldn’t have been able to tell her and my ex apart, able to list at least 20 characteristics, preferences and tastes the same, even with family members having the same names.

December  17th, one of the most surreal first dates ever. No awkward conversation, all jokes from the off, sure she seemed crazy, but crazy was exciting. Before the film we were going to see even began, we had given each other our phone passwords and a look at our texts and photos. No secrets, no hiding, everything out in the open. When the film started, we linked arms and with her head on my shoulder sat in complete comfort. After we left, we walked hand in hand back to mine where we found out a few hobbies in common, shared music and more photos. Little bit of play fighting, she punched my chest saying “Jheeze do you have bricks under there”, before lifting up my jumper saying “Wow, you’re quite fit aren’t you, wasn’t expecting that under your jumper”. Felt great being complimented on how I looked for once. After some slight kissing and cuddling (And scarily making some similar jokes to previous relations), it nearly came time for her to leave, it was perfect, how could I mess this up? As she stood to get her coat, I playfully pulled her down to sit on my lap, only I hadn’t positioned my downstairs right and she sat on one of my *ahem* plums. Only when I stood to grab my coat did I feel the pain, and the pain hit so hard that before we even left the flat my vision started disappearing and I had to lie on my bed for a few minutes to stop myself passing out. She saw it as a game to try get her to stay longer, oh little did she know. At the station we kissed goodbye and thus started “Team Broken Weirdo”.

Why did we call ourselves that? Broken because we were both hurt and damaged by our former loved ones on the same day. Weirdo because when she found out that I climbed Pen-y-ghent she said “You’re a bit weird aren’t you, but it’s ok, I like weird”. Later on, she rolled over next to me and said, “Oh god you must think I’m a right weirdo” to which I replied, “Yeah, but it’s ok…I like weird”.

The next day I returned home to the midlands, with the plan to pop back up 3 weeks later to put on a You-kend, a whole weekend dedicated to everything her. Perfect right? If only I wasn’t unfriended and unfollowed from every platform by the time I woke up on New Years Day. When I spoke to her about it she said that I had posted something online which got to her, reminding her of the hurt her ex caused, saying that she didn’t want to get hurt again. She saw that me being friends with lots of girls (All but one, in a relationship and/or lesbian) meant I was a player/ladies man and she couldn’t handle it. Despite saying that her start to 2017 was a lonely one, and with my friends giving character references it still wasn’t enough. I think she’s dating somebody else now, I miss her somewhat thinking of what could have been if it wasn’t for her making wrong assumptions of me, but nevertheless I wish her all the happiness in the world and hopefully we meet again. Essentially I had been dumped twice in less than 4 months.

In speaking about it on app “whisper” over a week later, a girl who lives nearby in the midlands, messaged me and we’ve become quite friendly yet I don’t see us going anywhere due to the immensely different lives we live, with the easy conversations turning strained. As I searched her name on facebook, the first 2 letters caused a very unexpected search to come up in the suggested result options… my ex was on that list…I am unblocked… I don’t know how long for or how long I will be. All I know is that she consciously acted to search my name and remove me from the blocked list. I only went on her profile once to see if I wasn’t making it up, saw some quite depressing posts, a lot of friends pics, and at least 3 massive couples items all still on there. I can only think of 4 reasons why I would be unblocked: She wants to say something (But she has not messaged), She wants to try be friends (But she has not requested), She wants to snoop over my profile to see what I have gotten up to for a few days, or she wants me to notice, to react and give her attention. So I decided not to do anything, or even give her an indication that I know. If she wants something, she can come to me. Besides, after Saturday night, I am amazed that she wanted to unblock me. Essentially I was tricked in to saying hello to her and her friends while out on the town myself, went over full of happiness and all 3 ignored me, turning away despite it being their idea. Her friend then said “We tried not reacting, it was awkward for her, she didn’t want to see you”. If she doesn’t want to see me why would she put her online self in a position to see more of me? In all honesty, I don’t really remember how she looked that night, looking at her friends more than her.

Nevertheless we both go back to university, possibly a step closer to being normal towards each other…will we ever? I highly doubt it, but a man can dream.

 

So what does 2017 hold for me?

Well I have something planned for every weekend until the end of May: Mates Birthday Party, Visit Lincoln, Watch Burnley vs Chelsea, Go Home for Reading Week, Go back to Uni, Watch Sale vs Northampton Saints. Watch Buxton vs Blyth Spartans, Watch Bolton vs Northampton Town, Watch Wigan Warriors vs Hull FC, Ghost Concert, Go Home for Easter, Chill with Friends, Go back to University, Visit Crosby Beach, Shinedown Concert, Visit Lake Windermere, Go Home for Summer.

Aside from this, sports wise I shall be going rock climbing at least once a week while at University and going to a Yoga class twice per week, while leading UCFB Rugby Sevens in to several fixtures.

Even more motivated to get my work done and develop as a person, this year has been labelled at “Man in Progress”, not only aiming to add 10 pounds of clean weight on but also write a Harry Potter length novel, requiring 500 words per day, 6 days per week (Titled: Man in Progress) while also trying to help a girl to feel special for a prolonged period of the year as all three girls mentioned above has mentioned at some point that I apparently have a knack for it.

Well that’s me, so much more I could have put in about my celebrations with family and university work but wouldn’t want to keep you any longer. I’ve been a busy Crag Banna…signing out.

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