Mental Health Blog #29

Basically my previous post was more about how alcohol turns me in to a gigantic man slag (and yes, I’m okay with being called that).

But where does it leave me?

All of my teenage years and life since I have been able to have an opinion as I have mentioned before, I have always spoken about and tried to be a gentleman at all times looking for longer term relations, seeing one night stands as nothing but temporary moments of pleasure. But this weekend I broke that and essentially stood against myself because I had that train of thought “I’m not going to be in a relationship any time soon as I’m not good enough but I’m at this party so why not have a good time and if that temporary pleasure happens then what’s so bad”.

I mean everybody likes to feel loved, appreciated, cared about and recognised for their positives and hard work. Which is why it felt so good to be standing across from a girl who thought I was attractive (whether alcohol made her vision blurred or the confidence to speak up is another thing), who grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me in. Usually I would feel embarrassed if someone told me I had something on my face but when I returned to the party with people pointing out I had lipstick over my face, a part of me genuinely felt proud like “Yeah I am attractive for once”. That all of those gym hours, finding a beard and hair style that suited me, picking out my clothes, looking after my skin, all of those things were appreciated and acknowledged in those moments.

Will it change my opinion and regularity of going out on the town with the guys? Pretty sure it won’t. I’ve got all those weekends planned as it is after all, however if the new housemates come knocking, who knows? The chances of me replicating those events again by pulling in a night club are slim to none as I possess the confidence of a depressed snail running the 100m against Usain Bolt when it comes to approaching someone for me. Wing Man? No problem. Asking a girl over for me? Heart beats so hard my whole body turns to Jelly. Even with alcohol this really wouldn’t have been avoided, the only reason that Saturday turned out so well was that we had made that initial connection having a regular, fun, getting to know each other, conversation. Maybe house parties are my thing, there are sure to be more in Lincoln (she’s bound to still be there), there will be more (possibly before the summer) in Manchester at my new place so who knows. Let my inner extrovert out when I’m out in an introvert place…now try saying that three times fast…

I’ve been a more sober Crag Banna…signing out.

Advertisements

Mental Health Blog #28

The past week has been strange and eventful, and I’ll try to spare as much of the gory details as possible.

Tuesday I spent some time with the guys for once, watching the football together, checking out my future house for the third year…getting the better looking neighbours pointed out to me in the hope that I’d be the ice breaker that the guys need to get in there with them. With only two girls in history finding me attractive to that point the chances of any of that had been looking slim.

Wednesday and Thursday passed by without much of a fuss until the mammoth day of hustle and bustle on Friday hit like a brick wall. While many people were undoubtedly awake earlier and later than I was, being alert and on my feet from 7am to 9pm definitely took its toll…however that had nothing on Saturday Night.

I still don’t believe what happened.

A few days earlier I had been talking to a friend about a strange increase in sex drive, but when getting told that I would be changing for the worse, I reassured myself and my friend that I would never consciously change…however Saturday, for the first time in over 5 Months, I went to a house party, I went out clubbing and I drank more than all of those months combined (Still not enough to make me lose control of speech or movement), and full Crag Banna was Unleashed.

I had a record of being “amorous” while inebriated, kissing a few people at a couple of parties but this was on another level.

The night began slowly with an air of awkwardness amongst everyone at the party sitting on their phones, silent as the music played in the living room. I knew only three people at the party by name having met them on my previous trip to Lincoln. Made friends and weighed in with a spirited debate between a couple. A while later, on way to the cramped kitchen I met a girl, who was there as a friend of a friend, we hit it off and with that friend went to a club. As the drink flowed and her friend disappeared into the crowd she turned to me, said, “You’re quite fit aren’t you?” before going in for the first kiss of many in the three or so hours that followed, which included, dancing, singing, burgers before returning to her friends house where we unceremoniously did what “mommys and daddys do when they love each other very much”.

Night over? Oh no…

Needing to return to the party, I left, arriving just as the party was winding up. Soon when everyone had gone home or to bed, all that remained were me and another girl who were watching tv on the sofa with her laying her head on the pile of blankets on my lap. As time passed we began cuddling up trying to keep warm in the cold living room. She took control of my hand and began to suggestively conduct my movements to which she said “I’m up for this, but no one finds out about this”. As the second wave of alcohol induced randiness took over and I obliged. Only hand stuff, before she adamantly wanted to take it further saying how she was better than the girl I had be getting along with earlier followed again with the same line “You’re quite fit aren’t you?”.

The last three girls who I have been involved with in this way have all said those same words, is it a northern thing? Is it a cities beginning with S thing? I don’t intentionally hide how I look from people, surely if one day I found something that I found good looking about my self (which I don’t), I’d naturally vainly show it off. Does my face say Hagrid, personality say Swamp Creature but body say Channing Tatum or is it a time bomb? I magically become attractive after a few hours of being around me? Accelerated with alcohol of course…

After the pre bedtime activity, we stood outside and asked if it would be alright if we spooned tonight so she may cheer up because her boyfriend of a few weeks is currently cheating on her with a prostitute in Belgium. Holy s**t I was party to helping someone cheat here. If I had known before I wouldn’t have agreed to any of it apart from being a friend to watch television with.

As proper morning hit we spoke no more of it, keeping it a secret from all those who emerged from their slumbers. Ever since, despite becoming friends on facebook I have heard nothing from her. However as promised I’ve kept in contact (No matter how painfully slow) with the girl who I went to the club with. Neither of us really do one night stands so it would feel less awkward if we met again however with such little to go on we may have to settle for seeing each other on social media.

Other than hang over and work dodging the past few days there is little else to tell with my mind being predominantly occupied by the weekend where girls came along like the proverbial busses.

I’ve been a shockingly lucky monster Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #27

Happy 5 Months Sober Day…and all it took was a series of mental breakdowns and the depression of a heavy break up to keep me from drinking.

Oh…and it’s also that Valentines Day thing, wonder if it will ever catch on.

Speaking of romance and relationships today, on Sunday on the train back to Manchester from the Football, I saw a glimpse of my future by how people tell me I act with girls, I spotted a couple with the man absolutely, inexplicably in love with his girlfriend or wife. He gave up the only spare seat for her and throughout he kept his eyes at her, looking in such a loved up way that it is hard to put in to words. He looked at her as though she was the most precious thing in the world, it even made my heart beat faster yet alone his. They held hands and he took such great care of her when she got cold, it was difficult to take my eyes off of them. They genuinely looked the perfect couple, something which I could only dream of.

Yesterday I posted seven experiences that I have had which lead me to believe I may be insane or at least heading that way. Today I have remembered two more which I was meant to add.

  1. Unleashing the Beast- Visions of channelling my inner wrestler, slamming about one of the fold up steel chairs that they use, just causing general damage to tables and walls unleashing all rage in a fit of destruction.
  2. Heavy Come Downs- After all of these events and things that I do at weekends or even when I have a particularly happy and fun day at university, usually when washing up that evening I suddenly feel as though I have been hit by a brick wall, I suddenly lose all energy, having to sit down in the kitchen, complete lack of all motivation to go on and happiness. This depression can often last for the time until I go back to my room or as long as until I go to bed.

Yet more reason why I’m losing the plot and probably should be left well alone. Maybe it is a good thing that my Valentines Day partner is a 2.5kg bag of Rhubarb and Custard Protein Powder.

Anyways, I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #26

To date, each of these “Mental Health” Pieces have been more to do with matters of the heart and how they play on the mind. However this one shall be predominantly based upon the mind and whether I have truly gone mental. As soon as I press publish I will be waiting for the men in white coats to be knocking at my door.

Whenever I have spoken to my friends about how I feel they have just put it down to the break up and tell me to get over it…but it’s more than that. Sure, they do have a slight point, if you look at the events in my life there is no reason for me to feel the way I feel or experience the things I experience. If there was to be a pros and cons list made about my life at present the only cons are any residual effects from the break up which for the most part have passed and any fears of my families health while there are several things going right for me at the minute. So why is it every time I take a mental health examination do I end up getting told that I should see my GP as soon as they become available and that I should phone one of the various anti-suicide hotlines immediately. At current I do not feel like killing myself or even self harming in some form so what is going on to get this result. Is this something more than depression? Is this something more than anxiety? Is this something more than stress?

Is this borderline insanity?

Here are seven things which I have experienced recurrently over the past few months:

  1. An occasional screaming voice inside my head- Whenever you are asked to think of a crazy person you imagine somebody who has voices in their head and not just their regular thoughts. Here is no different, often when I’m doing something such as working from my bed on my laptop, sitting in lecture or walking around the city out of nowhere, my concentration completely disappears as my hands drop, I stare straight ahead with a high pitched screaming voice in my head shouting “I’m in love with you” or a quivering childlike voice saying “Please don’t hurt me”. These are reminiscent of two songs which I have fallen in love with recently, “My Heart is Broken” and “Going Under”, both by Evanescence.
  2. A vision of a silhouette Child- When walking down a dimly lit path or corridor, there have been three occasions where I’ve glanced over my left shoulder to see a silhouette child standing facing the edge of the path away from the road or facing the wall to my left. When I’d look back after a few seconds there would be nothing there.
  3. A sense of perpetual falling- A feeling that you are falling from a great height, only to never land, often when walking around at night amongst all of the tall buildings of the city. Heart facing, almost with a silent scream fearing the moment when you make impact. This has been linked to suffering from severe stress, which brings me on to my next experience.
  4. A feeling of drowning- Again when out in public, despite on the outside appearing completely normal, you feel submerged in a liquid, sinking further, with the pressure of the liquid predominately squeezing softly on your head. Your breathing feels heavier as though the air becomes thick like you are swallowing some thick liquid, reminiscent of the poem “Not Waving but Drowning” by Stevie Smith. As mentioned in number three, this has been shown as a sign of stress with a feeling of being weighed down by what you are going through, whether it be work piling up or as a result of exhaustion from pushing yourself to work hard for a high proportion of your time awake.
  5. The ball in the corner- As mentioned in Mental Health Blog #25, I keep seeing myself as some possessed, zombified kind of creature, sat in the corner of my room, rocking backwards and forwards with knees hugged in to my chest. When approached closely I finally respond to interaction, squaring up, arms hanging by my side, head tilted to the side without saying anything, just laughing quietly with a grin until the person leaves at which point I return to normal.
  6. Mirror Screaming- At various times over the past few months I’ve found myself looking in the mirror in my room, standing close, trying to see a part of my face better before, silently roaring and screaming at my reflection for a few seconds before carrying on with my day.
  7. Hyper-Realistic Dreaming- These dreams often come in the form of flashbacks, or they have people in my life who treat me as they would in real life, and we’d act how we are in real life, with completely immersive settings and vivid imagery and feeling regardless of the setting we are in.Dreams of this kind are often viewed as what you are thinking about most in life, thinking about right before bed or what you want to think about as soon as you wake up. Here is how I recently described one such dream to my friend yesterday (Names removed to protect identities):                                                                                                                                                                                                                 My dream last night has fucking killed me. It was New Years and literally everyone from Weavers ever was there. It was a massive party in like this mansion and back garden. When it came to Auld Lang Syne which everyone slow danced to there were four people without partners, me, my best mate, my exes best friend and my ex. Me and my best mate were gonna be partners until my exes best friend stole him meaning I had to go with my ex who acted as she did in real life. After Auld Lang Syne we had to to a cha cha slide with our partners. She and I did the most aggressive cha cha slide in history. Then the four of us went inside as my ex was gonna walk the massive way home. They both got hugs then it was awkward when it came to me. I said “Oh lighten up” and we hugged for like 30 seconds. It felt like that moment in Shrek 2 where Shrek and Fiona are floating in the air at midnight. Then she left and like in some romantic movie, I ran to get her, knocked over some kid selling roses and nicked some. Then I walked her home and we chatted about old times and how we can be friends. Got an even bigger hug at the end of the night and then I woke up like why the fuck isn’t real life like this?

 

While items 3, 4 and 6 haven’t happened since the start of the Christmas Break, it has be noted as quite concerning when all of those things have happened, especially with no reason, some just feeling the right and natural thing to do at the time. I don’t feel crazy or have twisted thoughts so I doubt I can be classed as a psychopath or sociopath.

Well, until the men in white coats take me off to a padded cell, I’ll still be here, and as always I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #25

Why?

Why Brain? Why Heart?

Why did I do this to myself?

For the first time in ages, I checked her profile for no reason whatsoever. As far as I remember, she had only ever put three things on Facebook of us both; The relationship status update, A photo of the flowers I brought half way across the country for her with the heading “Feeling Loved by (Insert my Real Name here)” and her cover photo of us both on the greatest date we ever had together…only the last one was deleted. I knew it had been replaced but only recently had it been wiped from existence altogether. Of all of them, I don’t understand why that was the one, surely if asked about any of them it would be an easy lie to just say we’re friends or even brother and sister or cousins if stretched. She had seemed as though she would keep everything on there, satisfied for around 4 months that we had shared imagery online. Like when she unblocked me…why did she think enough of me to make a change in her life, surely there should be zero thoughts of me per day. Isn’t that the role of the dumper? To drop all emotions and thoughts immediately?

I don’t even understand why this bothers me so much. We had been making slow but steady progress towards being civil and almost friendly. I had done nothing to provoke her thought, I mean how could I? Is it a reaction to me congratulating her on getting her dream summer job? I highly doubt it.

In the past few weeks I had come to terms with it all, the reason behind breaking up, even getting past the feeling of being put down when seeing her happy, I mean, what would I do if I didn’t like what I saw, message her and tell her to change what she’s doing? Of course not.

I only have two questions that I would ask her if we met: Why did she keep me on snapchat, looking at my stories in peculiar fashion ever since? and Why did she unblock me, again shouldn’t be thinking about me enough to change life, out of sight out of mind from someone who wants things to be that way?

I hate the feeling that I’m never going to be fully over her, no matter how much time passes, how many people I date, how many people I see her with, how many times she ignores my existence.

I hate the feeling that once university is over or by the time we are in our mid to late twenties it will be sink or swim time in life. We will either have secured our jobs or be struggling to make ends meet, possibly scraping the dole. We will be looking to start settling down, owning property and thinking of starting families…the free spirit, party, wildchild, different night different bed attitude will have faded. And when the inevitable moment of being annoyed of not finding someone, we shall look to each other or rather one to the other, remembering past glories in the strange hope of finding it again…and you know what? With the channels of communication kept open or reopened now, it is so much easier and more possible. With all of my pictures remaining online within my unashamed timelines of the past and the inevitable cropping up inside old computer and phone folders which we thought we had fully deleted. With the romantic gifts that she hasn’t thrown out…all of these nostalgic moments will surface easier. With the social notion of attending school reunions, unless she still wants to avoid being in the same room as me…we will see each other and chances are it would happen before then. With all the people who are mutual friends occasionally asking how one of us feels about the other and what they’re doing in their lives we will be forced to think of each other.

Nothing is ever fully over in this day and age until our hearts stop beating and our lungs draw their final breaths…I just hope that I can find some comfort soon or this waiting will be a painful period.

And all the time I shall ask myself…why?

 

Mental Health Blog #24

Another day, another 24 hours of headaches induced by the hurricane of thoughts raging inside my head. This has been my life for the past week and a half.

While there is nothing to be depressed about, there is always something on my mind.

Not to mention my ex has popped up in mind and although I haven’t seen her with another man or doing anything to cause me harm, it somehow bothers me that she is putting on weight, having spells of depression at times when she should be at her happiest and that she is only settling for short term pleasure from occasional one night stands rather than being fulfilled with a committed partner.

Weirder still is that today she finally got her dream summer placement which she spoke about most days of when we were together, she worked so hard for it yet I had been unable to say congratulations without feeling awkward. I’m so proud of her yet I know socially I cannot let it show.

This year has the potential to leave me alone, grandparentless, with one parent who will struggle to walk and use their hands and the other with declining physical health. The temptation to give up when each of these inevitable events happens will be immense however I know I must go on. At times over the past few days I have had the feeling to sit in the corner of my room in the dark with my knees hugged in to my chest as I rock back and forth, until one of my friends come in to see me at which point I would meet them with a harrowing dark creeping speech walking as though a crazed zombie.

Life is starting to come together with the Event Planning Module giving me the ability to create contacts and organise a publicly benefiting event in my own design. I am currently talking to a girl as friends, we both care for each others mental and physical wellbeing, ensuring that we are not alone in this world. I am undergoing two highly important Marketing workshops and classes which will hopefully land me my summer placement at the Saints. Last weekend I visited Lincoln and caught up with one of my best school friends, this weekend I go back to Burnley to watch them take on my favourite football team, taking back in the sights.

There was so much more which I would like to write about but either the feeling has passed by or I do not have time to go in to it in enough detail which you deserve.

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #23

How was I before all of the September madness?

That question is something which I often ask myself when I really shouldn’t with my wandering mind, attempting to go back to living the way I did last April and May before any of the whole relationship-thing happened…and it is tough, tough to remember how I got by through each day and filled my time without being depressed and alone. I don’t remember ever feeling as bad as I have in the past few months, so what was I before?

On the whole, for about 5 years previous I had been a content person, someone who always feels happy but for a variety of reasons whether it be; body image, being hopeless in relationships or being left out by people that I thought were friends, there was always something to drag me down, leaving me only slightly depressed.

Proof of this happier time is evident in the events of early last year where I had friends who wanted to go out and do things with me most days and every weekend. My University Work just flowed effortlessly, getting a first in every assignment or test until one of my modules in December. I was fine on my own aswell, loving playing games, watching tv, listening to music, drawing…all of it which came to be my flailing distraction from the horrible later on in the year.

One date will forever stick in my mind and it is one which resurfaced a couple of days ago as I had a bad cold…May 18th 2016.

Waking up, a day after my final exam of the Uni Year, head spinning, full of a snotty cold, feeling like I had the hangovers from all previous nights out combined. I took a few flu tablets and started walking to the station after failing to finish breakfast…weather looked bleak at best. All of the walk to the station, I had to compete with my stomach over keeping my food hidden. On the two hour or so trip to Windermere from Burnley, I started thinking of the Summer Break which began in four days time. My mind wandered through how I’d be all alone with only one of my friends not being in a relationship, with no secured University placement. The feeling of loneliness and depression kept growing to the point it would have been overwhelming if I had not been on an adventure that day. As the day progressed, my cold improved, the weather was brilliant (for the most part), souvenirs, photos taken…a proper tourist day out. Back on the train, after a while my mind turned to home once again. In Preston Station, waiting for the changeover train, I received a message…from the girl who I kissed at New Years…who I hadn’t spoken to since. I thought nothing of it and just put it back in my pocket. After getting back in and having dinner while watching TV and playing online games once again I thought of home, when I remembered that I had forgotten to read and reply to the message which simply read, “Hey, hows you 🙂 xx”. When I replied, I didn’t think much of it. The conversation was slightly awkward with me not knowing much about them to make jokes.  Nevertheless, the brief conversation came to a normal end.

The next day, my birthday, she came back up to talk. My conversational skills no better…as dry and boring as always…yet we made it through the whole day.

May 20th, I visited one of my best mates in Liverpool, without her even heavily on my mind as it took me a while to bring up that she had messaged out of the blue and how weird it was, only ever so briefly, before returning to our usual banter. That night she reappeared once again.

And she kept appearing for the next two weeks, with only a few occasions where I had started the conversation. Despite me being so bland and dull when it came to chatting, she was still there, she really wanted this…and it became clear when we started seeing each other. I had never been in that position before, someone wanting to talk and spend time with me, yet alone try date them…well it worked out…she was The One.

But so many questions surround her actions on that day. She said that she messaged me while she was hanging out with her best friend at university, preparing to come home for Summer herself… so at some point in her thought process and conversation, she came up with the idea to try it with someone she hadn’t spoken to in over 4 months. Even if they were talking about not being alone over the summer, what brought them to think of me? I’m hardly a prized, attractive, desirable person…friend material at best.

Nevertheless, I was that thought, and in that moment “we” were created, everything we ever became was created…and from my darkest moments came the greatest light…just like a candle which burned brightly. At the time when my mind was at its furthest away from liking someone or trying to get with someone, it just happened, so normally, so smoothly. Certainly won’t happen again while I go in search of someone who I can try dating. Could try waiting and not thinking about it but in turn, doing that is thinking of it and such messing up the chances of the universe doing its magic

 

Another reason for thinking of this recently aside from the cold is that, towards the end of last week, I was suffering…suffering hard. If the feelings resurface, I’ll write about it in my next post. Again…thinking about home…feeling depressed…feeling alone…having a bad cold… going on adventures…some good news about next year coming up…when I messaged a girl, trying to help her, to cheer her up by being someone she could talk to about her troubles. Light coming from my darkness again? It has been four days or so, no awkward conversation, my only intention was/is to help her through what had been troubling her…but last night I received a message similar to that which the girl from December said. She asked; How are you still single? You’re such an attractive person, I’m attracted to you, any girl would be lucky to have you.  The conversation turned to my ex and she said those same immortal words, “I can’t see why your ex left you”.

This is three girls since the start of December (2 Months), who have all said that I’ve got something attractive or special going on and I don’t believe any of it until it results in a relationship. All of those girls turned out to have some level of crazy, making my proper ex seem like the most normal person on Earth. I don’t even know this girl’s real name, or what she looks like, going by nicknames for the past few days. It’s early days but who knows. Is there anything else in there? Who knows?

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.