Mental Health Blog #23

How was I before all of the September madness?

That question is something which I often ask myself when I really shouldn’t with my wandering mind, attempting to go back to living the way I did last April and May before any of the whole relationship-thing happened…and it is tough, tough to remember how I got by through each day and filled my time without being depressed and alone. I don’t remember ever feeling as bad as I have in the past few months, so what was I before?

On the whole, for about 5 years previous I had been a content person, someone who always feels happy but for a variety of reasons whether it be; body image, being hopeless in relationships or being left out by people that I thought were friends, there was always something to drag me down, leaving me only slightly depressed.

Proof of this happier time is evident in the events of early last year where I had friends who wanted to go out and do things with me most days and every weekend. My University Work just flowed effortlessly, getting a first in every assignment or test until one of my modules in December. I was fine on my own aswell, loving playing games, watching tv, listening to music, drawing…all of it which came to be my flailing distraction from the horrible later on in the year.

One date will forever stick in my mind and it is one which resurfaced a couple of days ago as I had a bad cold…May 18th 2016.

Waking up, a day after my final exam of the Uni Year, head spinning, full of a snotty cold, feeling like I had the hangovers from all previous nights out combined. I took a few flu tablets and started walking to the station after failing to finish breakfast…weather looked bleak at best. All of the walk to the station, I had to compete with my stomach over keeping my food hidden. On the two hour or so trip to Windermere from Burnley, I started thinking of the Summer Break which began in four days time. My mind wandered through how I’d be all alone with only one of my friends not being in a relationship, with no secured University placement. The feeling of loneliness and depression kept growing to the point it would have been overwhelming if I had not been on an adventure that day. As the day progressed, my cold improved, the weather was brilliant (for the most part), souvenirs, photos taken…a proper tourist day out. Back on the train, after a while my mind turned to home once again. In Preston Station, waiting for the changeover train, I received a message…from the girl who I kissed at New Years…who I hadn’t spoken to since. I thought nothing of it and just put it back in my pocket. After getting back in and having dinner while watching TV and playing online games once again I thought of home, when I remembered that I had forgotten to read and reply to the message which simply read, “Hey, hows you šŸ™‚ xx”. When I replied, I didn’t think much of it. The conversation was slightly awkward with me not knowing much about them to make jokes. Ā Nevertheless, the brief conversation came to a normal end.

The next day, my birthday, she came back up to talk. My conversational skills no better…as dry and boring as always…yet we made it through the whole day.

May 20th, I visited one of my best mates in Liverpool, without her even heavily on my mind as it took me a while to bring up that she had messaged out of the blue and how weird it was, only ever so briefly, before returning to our usual banter. That night she reappeared once again.

And she kept appearing for the next two weeks, with only a few occasions where I had started the conversation. Despite me being so bland and dull when it came to chatting, she was still there, she really wanted this…and it became clear when we started seeing each other. I had never been in that position before, someone wanting to talk and spend time with me, yet alone try date them…well it worked out…she was The One.

But so many questions surround her actions on that day. She said that she messaged me while she was hanging out with her best friend at university, preparing to come home for Summer herself… so at some point in her thought process and conversation, she came up with the idea to try it with someone she hadn’t spoken to in over 4 months. Even if they were talking about not being alone over the summer, what brought them to think of me? I’m hardly a prized, attractive, desirable person…friend material at best.

Nevertheless, I was that thought, and in that moment “we” were created, everything we ever became was created…and from my darkest moments came the greatest light…just like a candle which burned brightly. At the time when my mind was at its furthest away from liking someone or trying to get with someone, it just happened, so normally, so smoothly. Certainly won’t happen again while I go in search of someone who I can try dating. Could try waiting and not thinking about it but in turn, doing that is thinking of it and such messing up the chances of the universe doing its magic


Another reason for thinking of this recently aside from the cold is that, towards the end of last week, I was suffering…suffering hard. If the feelings resurface, I’ll write about it in my next post. Again…thinking about home…feeling depressed…feeling alone…having a bad cold… going on adventures…some good news about next year coming up…when I messaged a girl, trying to help her, to cheer her up by being someone she could talk to about her troubles. Light coming from my darkness again? It has been four days or so, no awkward conversation, my only intention was/is to help her through what had been troubling her…but last night I received a message similar to that which the girl from December said. She asked; How are you still single? You’re such an attractive person, I’m attracted to you, any girl would be lucky to have you. Ā The conversation turned to my ex and she said those same immortal words, “I can’t see why your ex left you”.

This is three girls since the start of December (2 Months), who have all said that I’ve got something attractive or special going on and I don’t believe any of it until it results in a relationship. All of those girls turned out to have some level of crazy, making my proper ex seem like the most normal person on Earth. I don’t even know this girl’s real name, or what she looks like, going by nicknames for the past few days. It’s early days but who knows. Is there anything else in there? Who knows?

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.


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