Mental Health Blog #25

Why?

Why Brain? Why Heart?

Why did I do this to myself?

For the first time in ages, I checked her profile for no reason whatsoever. As far as I remember, she had only ever put three things on Facebook of us both; The relationship status update, A photo of the flowers I brought half way across the country for her with the heading “Feeling Loved by (Insert my Real Name here)” and her cover photo of us both on the greatest date we ever had together…only the last one was deleted. I knew it had been replaced but only recently had it been wiped from existence altogether. Of all of them, I don’t understand why that was the one, surely if asked about any of them it would be an easy lie to just say we’re friends or even brother and sister or cousins if stretched. She had seemed as though she would keep everything on there, satisfied for around 4 months that we had shared imagery online. Like when she unblocked me…why did she think enough of me to make a change in her life, surely there should be zero thoughts of me per day. Isn’t that the role of the dumper? To drop all emotions and thoughts immediately?

I don’t even understand why this bothers me so much. We had been making slow but steady progress towards being civil and almost friendly. I had done nothing to provoke her thought, I mean how could I? Is it a reaction to me congratulating her on getting her dream summer job? I highly doubt it.

In the past few weeks I had come to terms with it all, the reason behind breaking up, even getting past the feeling of being put down when seeing her happy, I mean, what would I do if I didn’t like what I saw, message her and tell her to change what she’s doing? Of course not.

I only have two questions that I would ask her if we met: Why did she keep me on snapchat, looking at my stories in peculiar fashion ever since? and Why did she unblock me, again shouldn’t be thinking about me enough to change life, out of sight out of mind from someone who wants things to be that way?

I hate the feeling that I’m never going to be fully over her, no matter how much time passes, how many people I date, how many people I see her with, how many times she ignores my existence.

I hate the feeling that once university is over or by the time we are in our mid to late twenties it will be sink or swim time in life. We will either have secured our jobs or be struggling to make ends meet, possibly scraping the dole. We will be looking to start settling down, owning property and thinking of starting families…the free spirit, party, wildchild, different night different bed attitude will have faded. And when the inevitable moment of being annoyed of not finding someone, we shall look to each other or rather one to the other, remembering past glories in the strange hope of finding it again…and you know what? With the channels of communication kept open or reopened now, it is so much easier and more possible. With all of my pictures remaining online within my unashamed timelines of the past and the inevitable cropping up inside old computer and phone folders which we thought we had fully deleted. With the romantic gifts that she hasn’t thrown out…all of these nostalgic moments will surface easier. With the social notion of attending school reunions, unless she still wants to avoid being in the same room as me…we will see each other and chances are it would happen before then. With all the people who are mutual friends occasionally asking how one of us feels about the other and what they’re doing in their lives we will be forced to think of each other.

Nothing is ever fully over in this day and age until our hearts stop beating and our lungs draw their final breaths…I just hope that I can find some comfort soon or this waiting will be a painful period.

And all the time I shall ask myself…why?

 

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