To date, each of these “Mental Health” Pieces have been more to do with matters of the heart and how they play on the mind. However this one shall be predominantly based upon the mind and whether I have truly gone mental. As soon as I press publish I will be waiting for the men in white coats to be knocking at my door.
Whenever I have spoken to my friends about how I feel they have just put it down to the break up and tell me to get over it…but it’s more than that. Sure, they do have a slight point, if you look at the events in my life there is no reason for me to feel the way I feel or experience the things I experience. If there was to be a pros and cons list made about my life at present the only cons are any residual effects from the break up which for the most part have passed and any fears of my families health while there are several things going right for me at the minute. So why is it every time I take a mental health examination do I end up getting told that I should see my GP as soon as they become available and that I should phone one of the various anti-suicide hotlines immediately. At current I do not feel like killing myself or even self harming in some form so what is going on to get this result. Is this something more than depression? Is this something more than anxiety? Is this something more than stress?
Is this borderline insanity?
Here are seven things which I have experienced recurrently over the past few months:
- An occasional screaming voice inside my head- Whenever you are asked to think of a crazy person you imagine somebody who has voices in their head and not just their regular thoughts. Here is no different, often when I’m doing something such as working from my bed on my laptop, sitting in lecture or walking around the city out of nowhere, my concentration completely disappears as my hands drop, I stare straight ahead with a high pitched screaming voice in my head shouting “I’m in love with you” or a quivering childlike voice saying “Please don’t hurt me”. These are reminiscent of two songs which I have fallen in love with recently, “My Heart is Broken” and “Going Under”, both by Evanescence.
- A vision of a silhouette Child- When walking down a dimly lit path or corridor, there have been three occasions where I’ve glanced over my left shoulder to see a silhouette child standing facing the edge of the path away from the road or facing the wall to my left. When I’d look back after a few seconds there would be nothing there.
- A sense of perpetual falling- A feeling that you are falling from a great height, only to never land, often when walking around at night amongst all of the tall buildings of the city. Heart facing, almost with a silent scream fearing the moment when you make impact. This has been linked to suffering from severe stress, which brings me on to my next experience.
- A feeling of drowning- Again when out in public, despite on the outside appearing completely normal, you feel submerged in a liquid, sinking further, with the pressure of the liquid predominately squeezing softly on your head. Your breathing feels heavier as though the air becomes thick like you are swallowing some thick liquid, reminiscent of the poem “Not Waving but Drowning” by Stevie Smith. As mentioned in number three, this has been shown as a sign of stress with a feeling of being weighed down by what you are going through, whether it be work piling up or as a result of exhaustion from pushing yourself to work hard for a high proportion of your time awake.
- The ball in the corner- As mentioned in Mental Health Blog #25, I keep seeing myself as some possessed, zombified kind of creature, sat in the corner of my room, rocking backwards and forwards with knees hugged in to my chest. When approached closely I finally respond to interaction, squaring up, arms hanging by my side, head tilted to the side without saying anything, just laughing quietly with a grin until the person leaves at which point I return to normal.
- Mirror Screaming- At various times over the past few months I’ve found myself looking in the mirror in my room, standing close, trying to see a part of my face better before, silently roaring and screaming at my reflection for a few seconds before carrying on with my day.
- Hyper-Realistic Dreaming- These dreams often come in the form of flashbacks, or they have people in my life who treat me as they would in real life, and we’d act how we are in real life, with completely immersive settings and vivid imagery and feeling regardless of the setting we are in.Dreams of this kind are often viewed as what you are thinking about most in life, thinking about right before bed or what you want to think about as soon as you wake up. Here is how I recently described one such dream to my friend yesterday (Names removed to protect identities): My dream last night has fucking killed me. It was New Years and literally everyone from Weavers ever was there. It was a massive party in like this mansion and back garden. When it came to Auld Lang Syne which everyone slow danced to there were four people without partners, me, my best mate, my exes best friend and my ex. Me and my best mate were gonna be partners until my exes best friend stole him meaning I had to go with my ex who acted as she did in real life. After Auld Lang Syne we had to to a cha cha slide with our partners. She and I did the most aggressive cha cha slide in history. Then the four of us went inside as my ex was gonna walk the massive way home. They both got hugs then it was awkward when it came to me. I said “Oh lighten up” and we hugged for like 30 seconds. It felt like that moment in Shrek 2 where Shrek and Fiona are floating in the air at midnight. Then she left and like in some romantic movie, I ran to get her, knocked over some kid selling roses and nicked some. Then I walked her home and we chatted about old times and how we can be friends. Got an even bigger hug at the end of the night and then I woke up like why the fuck isn’t real life like this?
While items 3, 4 and 6 haven’t happened since the start of the Christmas Break, it has be noted as quite concerning when all of those things have happened, especially with no reason, some just feeling the right and natural thing to do at the time. I don’t feel crazy or have twisted thoughts so I doubt I can be classed as a psychopath or sociopath.
Well, until the men in white coats take me off to a padded cell, I’ll still be here, and as always I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.