Mental Health Blog #29

Basically my previous post was more about how alcohol turns me in to a gigantic man slag (and yes, I’m okay with being called that).

But where does it leave me?

All of my teenage years and life since I have been able to have an opinion as I have mentioned before, I have always spoken about and tried to be a gentleman at all times looking for longer term relations, seeing one night stands as nothing but temporary moments of pleasure. But this weekend I broke that and essentially stood against myself because I had that train of thought “I’m not going to be in a relationship any time soon as I’m not good enough but I’m at this party so why not have a good time and if that temporary pleasure happens then what’s so bad”.

I mean everybody likes to feel loved, appreciated, cared about and recognised for their positives and hard work. Which is why it felt so good to be standing across from a girl who thought I was attractive (whether alcohol made her vision blurred or the confidence to speak up is another thing), who grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me in. Usually I would feel embarrassed if someone told me I had something on my face but when I returned to the party with people pointing out I had lipstick over my face, a part of me genuinely felt proud like “Yeah I am attractive for once”. That all of those gym hours, finding a beard and hair style that suited me, picking out my clothes, looking after my skin, all of those things were appreciated and acknowledged in those moments.

Will it change my opinion and regularity of going out on the town with the guys? Pretty sure it won’t. I’ve got all those weekends planned as it is after all, however if the new housemates come knocking, who knows? The chances of me replicating those events again by pulling in a night club are slim to none as I possess the confidence of a depressed snail running the 100m against Usain Bolt when it comes to approaching someone for me. Wing Man? No problem. Asking a girl over for me? Heart beats so hard my whole body turns to Jelly. Even with alcohol this really wouldn’t have been avoided, the only reason that Saturday turned out so well was that we had made that initial connection having a regular, fun, getting to know each other, conversation. Maybe house parties are my thing, there are sure to be more in Lincoln (she’s bound to still be there), there will be more (possibly before the summer) in Manchester at my new place so who knows. Let my inner extrovert out when I’m out in an introvert place…now try saying that three times fast…

I’ve been a more sober Crag Banna…signing out.

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