Mental Health Blog #30

I should be over all of this. I really should. For three weeks I had gone without properly thinking about my ex, the break up or the past that we had, three whole weeks. For many people, they’d think, “So what, big deal, moving on is good man”. While there is no longer the pain in my chest from her, while there is no longer the urge to see or speak to her, while there is no longer that slight heart racing moment when I see her update her snapchat story, I do not believe I have moved on. Why? Because just as I had thought I was in the clear, I was out of it all, something, somehow, some way, I get dragged back in.

Monday was a strange day all around with train delays and rushing through the city getting back from my Reading Week break, only to have such back pain that I couldn’t go to Yoga  which I had waited weeks for. Still not the worst part. After packing everything away, I needed to go shopping so went to the kitchen to make a list. Never before have I had deja vu like it, if that even is what happened. There was some aura, some feeling or warmth in the room which instantly triggered the thought and emotion which I experienced on the very first Monday I lived here, “Oh god, I hate this place, at least I get to hers for a few days tomorrow can’t wait”. The feeling of missing her, missing home, having those in-shower breakdowns which I wrote about in the very first couple of Mental Health Blogs, all sprung to mind with the thought that going to hers was salvation…only that we are now 5 and a half months past that point. After about 30 seconds I realised that this wasn’t September 12th, and I stared blankly into the cupboard for a good minute. It really rocked me, it took me a couple of minutes to be able to count how many days it was until Saturday. Despite feeling awful and confused I managed to go out and I couldn’t stop smiling for no reason, it was just imprinted on my face. And that massive public smile has lasted all week, whilst in the majority I have felt awkward and like I did in  those early break up days only not as strongly, having to take time to come back to reality in present time. On Monday night, right before bed I thought of how it had been a long while since I had a dream with her in it, seeing it as a great sign, having dreamt a lot with her featuring when going out and in the few weeks after the split. But oh boy did they come. Like busses, Seven very different dreams, some involving her, all had realistic and surreal elements to them, bombarded me that night (All of which shall be spoken about in my next Mental Health Blog).

For once everything seems to be going right for me but she is the final hurdle and stumbling block, producing overthinking at the most unneeded of times (Another future topic). The weekly events are going strong, something which I shall cover in a new series of blogs should I find time to write.

Time’s up for another blog, busy life on the run in to Summer, just hope that this will all pay off in the end. As always thanks for reading.

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

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