In the past few days and weeks people ask me two main questions. Who/what is Crag Banna (Is it an alter ego)? and What do I feel about my ex going on repeated nights out trying to find somebody (Trying to keep up with her more popular housemate)?
In response to the first question, Crag Banna, as I may have posted before is a creation from a misspelling of an exes name on a school trip which she got annoyed by and being the kids that we were, we teased her slightly on it with all the fun in good spirits. In the end we saw it has her hard working, sensible, almost boring side as her real name and Crag Banna was the wild-child, fun, laughing party animal. I had a t-shirt made for the Sixth Form Olympics which had Crag Banna on the back and with her distancing herself from the name I, in a way, adopted it. I wore the t-shirt in my first year of university and began to get called it.
In the spirit that it was meant, Crag Banna did become my alter ego, like her, with it being my fun, joking around side which does random and crazy things like a bundle of energy which struggles to be restrained from bouncing off of the walls. This is a side which only normally comes out when I’m around other people who I am close and comfortable around. On the flip side my real name is what I feel I should be called when I am calm, reserved or even depressed. It is that side which comes out when alone, feeling down, or with a girl I like, being gentlemanly rather than firing off inappropriate jokes every second for a cheap laugh.
I wish I could be a combination of the two all the time rather than be distinct opposites, however that isn’t how alter ego’s work. I wish that I didn’t have to be that kind of attention grabbing person when out with close friends, regardless of how much I love to see people smile and hear them laugh. I wish that I would be able to have a calm, relaxed, thought provoking conversation with one of my close friends. However I wish that when I am alone, instead of feeling down and depressed I can be fun and in a way enjoy my own company and not be so shy around girls that I like.
Now the second question. How do I feel about what my ex gets up to or tries to get up to (As she is often unsuccessful)?
Of course there is brief shattering or glass in my mind where once again you are reminded that she is no longer mine and that she may be off with someone else giving that temporary sickness feeling. But after about 10-15 minutes that disappears because I realise that she is happy doing whatever she is doing. As someone who once loved her, if that feeling was true, all I ever wanted and will want for her is to be safe, healthy, cared about and most importantly happy even if that is not with me around. She’s certainly going to be happy if she manages to get a one night stand (although that feeling is temporary), it isn’t anything that’s going to risk her health, in those moments she is cared about and kept safe by whatever guy she’s with, however there’s always that knowledge of the feeling of loss, and possible desertion/disrespect the morning after. However I have no control over any of that. Even if I had some massively horrible feeling after seeing her with someone (Which I have not to date but I know one night stands don’t need selfies), what am I supposed to do? Message her saying, “Hi, it’s that guy you broke up with like 6 months ago, please don’t get off with him”? I don’t think so.
Would I get jealous if I saw couples kind of pictures with her and a consistent individual? Yeah, I probably would but then the above applies yet again, and also there is the hypocritical nature of me feeling that way or trying to stop anything. I have had one night stands, dated a girl for a month, been chatting to others and that is not going to change in the near future so what right do I have to say, “Yes, I can date and sleep with others but you can’t”.
Until then, none of that is relevant, and I’m just content that the platforms to see/communicate with each other are opening/remain open. And with this I can cast my eye and try to care and protect from a distance. As a quote once said, “It’s not about deciding to walk away, it’s about deciding who you love from a distance”.
And that is what I shall always continue to do, as I am Crag Banna…signing out.