Mental Health Blog #37

Apologies for not posting in a long while, I had planned to have written about 5 pieces in the past two weeks while on my Easter break however a mixture of things such as Por-wait what it wasn’t that? Oh well it was Anime, Socializing, Procrastination and Depression (Yay Depression, who doesn’t love a good bout of that) made it virtually impossible to create anything of postable quality. Those four things hampered me so much in fact that despite having five weeks from the start of the holiday to complete two large university assignments, not a single word was done and I am now facing a two and three week deadline to get all work done.

First of all in that list, anime. Quite simply, I love it. As promised many weeks ago I shall be writing about a series that I had seen which completely changed how I felt for a long while and that is still going to be something which I will write about, I haven’t forgotten…honest. Once my assignments are out of the way I hope to write a series on each of the different animes I have watched and the worlds around them. To date they will be: Your Lie in April, Sword Art Online, Mirai Nikki and Konosuba. The procrastination has killed me for time in the next couple of weeks with my spare time after them split in to parts of a cycle: Football Manager Season, Learn a song on Guitar, Draw one of the concepts/characters from my ideas list, Watch an entire anime (All seasons) and complete a task from my non-urgent to do list with items which have stretched back to Christmas time.

That’s another thing, the University breakdown of 4 weeks, 6 weeks then 3 weeks after Christmas has allowed time to fly by with the very real possibility that the next time I write on here I will no longer be a teenager which I am clinging on to by the skin of my teeth. And for that time I have big plans (Scurries around trying to get people together)

Anyway back to the main topic. Procrastination and Socializing have almost gone hand in hand to prevent me doing work with the idea that going out for an hour or two meant that the whole day was disrupted, even when it wasn’t. Catching up on sleep was a huge part of my lifestyle and when I was awake I found ever increasing amounts of content on the animes that I had watched, the worlds around them, manga, fandoms and novels.

Right, time to get more serious for a moment. The latter element of why I didn’t get anything done was a bout of depression. I’m not even sure what triggered it to be blatantly honest but I know the feelings and thoughts that it brought up. Normally when you are confronted with a problem, you find a solution and work through that solution’s process until Hooray no more problem. But with this the solution is undoubtedly something that would take months to do…and that is assuming that other people are willing to play their roles in it. The problem here is once again seeing the positives in my ex but I realise that it is not me being in love with her, it is being in love with the situations that a relationship provides. Within that it’s that feeling of powerlessness and possibility that I will never be in those situations again which have been dragging me back by the shirt. I’ve dated/seriously chatted to four girls since that whole break up and two of those in the past six weeks, I don’t know what desperation smells like but looking at those numbers I must damn reek of it and I hate that too. I’m sure I’ve probably written this before but for me at this stage in my life, my ultimate goal is waking up next to somebody. But not just anybody, as that has happened since the break up. Somebody who’s goal isn’t to leave as soon as possible as you wonder who the hell was that? Somebody who you can roll over and face in the morning and while both of you are weary eyed and still sleepy, smile at. When they ask you why you’re smiling so hard you simply say “Because I’ve realised I get to wake up next to the most beautiful girl (change depending on your preferences) around” and then kiss them on the forehead. Then you have the rest of the morning to cuddle and kiss it out, laying in the arms of someone who you truly care about/love knowing nothing in that moment could go wrong, nothing can hurt you both. Similarly, if they are facing away from you or you’re loosely spooning. Grab them and squeeze them tight…trust me they feel it and like it too.

So yeah if anyone could order that for my upcoming birthday…much appreciated.

Anyways, I must go various citizens and do a 3000 word research proposal… I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

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Adventures of One #4

Nothing of major drama this week, just a solid event of high energy and good times with random strangers as rock band Ghost came to the Manchester O2 Apollo. I wish I could upload all of the videos and photos that I took at the gig as it was truly astounding compared to any rock concert I had been to before.

Had never realised how long you had to wait after doors opened for the main event to start. Joined the back of the queues at five minutes before doors opening and I still managed to easily get in to the fourth row of people. One thing of notice is that the black jean and leather jacket industries could easily be funded by the people in the room alone. One thing not really seen before, guys in lipstick, but with the persons hair and feminine appearance I genuinely thought he was a girl…only at a rock concert could the presence of lipstick not help you determine gender.

The pre show was a Rock-Synth duo from Pennsylvania called Zombi. Despite nobody in the room having heard of them and them not having any lyrics they were still a worthy warm up for a band which the crowd were getting agitated in waiting to see. Never have I witnessed a room full of over 500 people all singing a whole albums worth of heavy rock songs consecutively, the atmosphere was intense to say the least. Square Hammer, Cirice, Year Zero, Monstrance Clock and Pinnacle to the Pit all tore the roof off, with the hits broken up with outstanding guitar solos and great banter by the latest incarnation of Papa Emeritus (Who looked like a skinny version of Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance).

I cannot recommend going to see them enough, not just for the songs, but for the rock concert atmosphere, people may be dressed in spikes and leather, built like tanks, have long hair and beards looking rather intimidating but they are genuinely some of the kindest, most caring, friendly, accommodating kind of people in the world. I was able to rock out and half a laugh with a middle aged gay couple, who shook my hand as we left and departed in to the night.

I’ve been Crag Banna (Maybe slightly possessed after worshipping the devil)…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #36

The side of me which I’m like marmite with reared its head on Thursday night. Originally looking to go on a night out with a couple of friends who I’d be sharing a house with next year, not even drinking, aiming to stick to drinking Vimto at pre-drinks. However…it wasn’t just the three of us…it was eight of us at pre-drinks and six out on the town and …I didn’t go for Vimto…I had four cans of Budweiser and whatever the forfeit drinks were in the games. Everything was fine, I was fitting right in to the group of people who I had at most a couple of hours of my life with previously, I had been able to grow in to the circle and tell my own jokes.

Step in the club and suddenly that player drunk side hits. We get our first round of drinks, I spotted a girl sitting alone, no sign of any friends, I ask her if she’d like to come along with us, we dance, hand in hand…then we kiss. I go to the bathroom and come back to see her dancing with the rest of my friends, each of them came up one by one to ask me how I managed to get a girl that quickly like I had whispered some secret code to her. In the end it turns out she was no where near “Mine” (Although at the end of the night I had the chance to take her back to my place for…ahem…coffee), she had a snogging series including two of the guys in the group and a girl which came as quite a surprise for all of us. We eventually made our way around the dancefloor in our group dancing our way towards the DJ, when suddenly a girl who I had never seen before, stood in front of me, danced for a few seconds before grabbing me by the shirt and literally inhaling my face. No word of a lie, I thought it was only snakes who could open their jaws that wide, felt more like I was getting eaten than kissed. Even more surprising, as soon as the kiss was over, she disappeared with her friend and we never met again. The group and I went on to dance with two other pairs of girls, having a laugh with all of them. Before we knew it the night was over and we had to clear out of the club. The final pair that we were with spotted me outside and asked for directions to a takeaway about ten minutes walk from us but one of them was so drunk that there was no way they’d make it so I offered to walk them there as it was on my way home. When we got here the better looking of the two gave me a kiss on the lips for my troubles to make it three for the night. But I didn’t feel fulfilled in any way, I didn’t take any body home to go the distance and although I had the opportunities to, I didn’t feel as though it was a priority or a want to. And despite the trio bringing brief positivity and a better reputation with my new friends it still proved that I was right in that I become a player when I drink…I AM NOT A PLAYER!!!

As with modern times, the whole night was broadcast on my snapchat, with pictures with the guys and a picture of the girl eating my face like me with doughnuts going on my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter also. Who saw these pictures? My ex… You’d have thought that it wouldn’t be a problem and I certainly didn’t see it as one (Although it will be fun to see if there is a clearly staged response when she inevitably goes out tonight), but on my Instagram post of the kiss… It had been liked by three people, but when I checked the names of the likers, only two showed. This meant that the phantom liker was someone who could see my account yet hid themselves from me…and there are only two people who have done that…the girl I saw in December…and my ex. Now as the only person who would have known about the kiss as by Snapchat, it could only be the latter. Like it to get in my head? Who knows but it hasn’t worked. How else do I think it’s her? I mean for all I know a random person who keeps looking at my profile has hidden themselves. When I searched for my friend later that day, in my presumptive results list was her housemate with the underline “@myexesaccountnamehere is following this person” as if to show that we have mutual friend/interactor. By all means I am up for refollowing each other or refriending each other but maybe liking something of mine out of either spite or to take the mick may not be the way to go.

Until the next time I get pissed, I’ve been Crag Banna waiting for my exes revenge comeback…signing out.