All Cragged Up: Part Two

Since my last relationship, I’ve dated and I’ve partied hard and there’s one thing each time that girls I actually get to see in person say after a couple of hours, “Ooooh you’re quite hot aren’t you?”…HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT?!?! First of all I got to say, I disagree standing here like the annorexic love child of Hagrid and Sloth from Goonies.

Now you can either agree by saying (In a Douchebag Surfer Accent) “Yes, yes I am, I work out. Here are the water pistols (Usain Bolt Pose) but later you’ll be the one squirting”. OR you can disagree in one of three ways. You can refuse to take the compliment and scream “STOP LYING YOU’RE LYING AAAAAAAAAAAAGH”. You can straight up tell them that they are wrong or you can get emotional and on edge thinking that they’re setting you up for something, “Oh? So now I’m hot? Sorry for hiding it for so long like some transforming time bomb, I’ll try be hot from the start next time.”. But there is one thing to get an instant win if this happens to you fellas. Shift the focus on to them, something like (Deep Voice, Smokey Eyed) “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and damn you have some beautiful eyes, I may look hot but when I’m out with you we look like The Elephant Man and Harley Quinn”…Girls love being Harley Quinn.


It’s becoming more popular to name your kids after places of significance to you, mostly holidays. One of the girls I went out with was called Paris, then there’s Brooklyn, London, Cali short for California. For me, I didn’t go on many holidays as a kid so going to University was just like one massive holiday, going out drinking and partying, taking in a few sights, sleep in a bed that is your bed but not actually your bed. I can picture it now with my first born at his nursery with a Mum next to me going “Cooey, bye Florence sweetheart, I’ll see you soon” with her getting all emotional before she turns to me and says, “Aww is that your little one over there?” -Yeah that’s my potato- “He’s adorable, what’s his name?”. (Turn head slightly and with straight expression) “…Burnley”.

Interesting Fact about Burnley, it has it’s own Time Zone ladies and gentlemen. Here it’s 8 o’clock, in Cairo it’s 10 o’clock, in Perth it’s 5 o’clock and in Burnley it’s 1946…still got food rations. No hot water, no electricity and no heating…that’s the premium halls rooms.

My University wasn’t normal, in the first year we had 96 people and 240 all together. 4 Girls in my year along with 92 Guys, it was less of a Uni and more of a brotherhood that lived off Dixy Chicken and Spoons Brekkies. Was just like a male boarding school, but with the Rimjobs coming from Beer Pong… (Cover Butt) Mostly (Cough)…

You do form some tight bonds with everyone in that situation and in the first year my mates were the craziest, most insane bouncing off the wall quartet who will punch me for saying quartet ever…but they took care of you better than anyone. One Tuesday night, all clubs were shut which meant one thing, sitting in the dining room playing odds on dares. Having no idea what was going on as I got more and more drunk I just kept shouting random numbers, having to do odd things but I was so numb that I ended up eating a pot of jam and 2 sachets of Coffee Beans… 2am fine…4 am, heart beating so hard I was vibrating around the room. I was desperate to end it so the guy gave me the one thing they thought of as a cure…weed… the first and only time I ever did drugs… calming drug? Was it f**k? I could see the smell of my heartbeat as I equally cried and laughed myself to sleep…


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