Mental Health Blog #38

A year is a strange term because although its definition is 365.25 days or one completion of the Earth around the sun, it means something different to everybody. Some see it in its literal sense, some start their year on the start of a significant moment, Academic’s years normally last September to May-July, Taxmen’s years are April to April, Sports Fan’s Years are the duration of their League Season and The Chinese start their year either late January or Mid February.

In the next two days, for me, three years will end at once. A year since my last birthday. A year since the best summer and relationship of my life started. An Academic year since the worst period of my life.

And with each one, the starts still feel like yesterday…well maybe last week, but that doesn’t sound as good.

Incidentally both university years, I have had a shockingly bad first semester with a hearty chunk of depression and loneliness thrown in which has then been followed by a brilliant second semester full of socialising and forgetting past trouble as time flew by.

My last birthday I was still wondering what the summer had in store for me, I mostly chilled out feeling a mixture of alone and excited for seeing my friend the day after and go home for the holidays while eating a block of roll-out icing. This year will be much the same, eating icing, doing laundry, packing and being excited about going home after one final night out with my Uni Mates before the summer.

The day previous to that, at the time little did I know how much a “Hey how’s you? xx” message would change my life. I had been suffering from an awful cold, only just making it on my planned trip to Bowness on Windermere (Where I am going again this year). However when I got back in I had that message on my phone from the girl I had got with on New Years Eve, to this day I don’t remember messaging her in the months between New Year and then but my phone and Facebook prove otherwise. On that day she had been with her friend at University, packing things for the summer when talk turned to the summer and whether there was anybody who caught each others eye… that anybody was me and so she tried the opening message. If it wasn’t for that conversation I would have never had the massive highs and ultimate lows. Even with that on several times I thought I had messed it up as without thinking much of it, I took my time between replies and the conversation was boring and slow going. When I went to my friends two days later instead of talking at length about it when we brought up girls like usual it was a mere 5 second mention that she had messaged me. This year, I really cannot see any chance of that happening with anyone yet alone her. Sure there are girls I have spoken on and off with over the past few months and live near me back home and we are on good terms but I would definitely have to make the first move.

The night of September 9th into 10th something shifted massively within me as I had gone from the luxury of seeing and speaking my girlfriend everyday to having to jump straight in to the centre of a major city living far from any friends, being mentally and physically unprepared. It was a major shock. Homesickness, Depression, Anxiety, all of it hit thick and fast. Walking in to the Cycling Centre to fill in Uni registration papers I found myself sitting alone, only really ever speaking to 3 people in there. The cliques and friendship groups were already established from the first year and then there was me…I thought I was going to have to one man army this whole year but thankfully I was taken in as groups were formed for coursework. At the time I was so desperate to get away to my girlfriends with my ultimate present for her, running in the rain of the areas strongest storm for decades for 15 minutes just to reach her. Those days were possibly the last that I will ever hear from her in person. The night when I returned to Manchester I felt utterly terrible, the people who I had hung out with towards the end of the first year knocked for me inviting me out on the town, once again I made an excuse to not go but after they asked why I cracked. I broke down and cried infront of them because the depression had just got so much. I explained it to them and suddenly these demonic party animals became caring and understanding. A day later after coming out to them as depressed, I did the same with my girlfriend and my dad…definitely having mixed results. Arguably it has made my bond with my Dad stronger than ever as he was able to come out about his darker past, his softer side that I had never even thought could be possible, he wasn’t some unbeatable person, he was human… but the same couldn’t be said for my girlfriend, even though she gave me her full support and saying that it wasn’t the reason for our split, a week later after going quiet for a few days on the break up night she admitted that she wasn’t in a position to be able to look after me with things going on in her life. Following the final straw conversation a few days following that she said that a relationship was something that we couldn’t deal with at the time, and that time apart would heal the both of us back in to the people that we both fell in love with as we had both changed. Right now, there’s certainly no sign that we will ever get back together despite her being correct that it was a good healer to have time apart. But as exes go, things aren’t really that bad. Sure you have the How I Met Your Mother break ups where they stay friends mostly, hanging out every day, but in the real world most end up completely cut off from each other. We certainly aren’t, possibly due to the size of social media in our lives but we have each other on Snapchat, unblocked and free to see each other on Facebook, and she still is able to see my posts on Instagram. We aren’t friends but we aren’t enemies, we’ve found a minimum ground, and are okay with seeing each others faces, names and lives pop up on each others’ phones and laptops. If we didn’t want to see those things or simply skip over each other then surely we would have deleted each other from those platforms and kept each other off, and I don’t mean photos as despite removing a couple in February there is still lingering evidence of an “us” out there.

All of this has fuelled the fire of these Mental Health Blogs, crazy (no pun intended) to think that it has been eight months since the first of which.

With her in the woods on a children’s camp all summer it is nigh on impossible to see each other over the summer break. And with me not living alone next Uni Year, and provided I don’t have another summer romance, there will not be a repeat of the down period.

I’m not sure what I will do to fill that gap of time this summer but I have a possible 4 jobs lined up so will give it a good shot, will I descend back in to madness, stay tuned…

 

I normally keep a list of topics in my phone for me to write about on here as I can’t post straight away everyday and after checking now, I see a bit about special eventing, how drugs have affected my friends ex-girlfriend and why I hate drugs, how someone can be beautiful without make up amongst a couple of other things…but I realise, why do I want to post any of that? It just doesn’t feel right. It may have got me all riled up to say in the moment but not now. Now I see things differently. Now I feel things differently. Just goes to prove that although it’s fine to speak your mind  take some time to check what you’re saying or else it comes out as a mess which even you don’t understand and/or believe in.

I’ve been a very reflective Crag Banna…signing out.

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