Night Ramblings 5

Over a year ago, I told of what time/date I would go back to should I have the chance, linked with what my biggest regret was and what I would change about my past. However with everything that has transpired over that past year, finally understanding that what I previously thought to be love was an illusion of my own design, I have made some adjustments to the time or time(s) I would like to go back to and one of which is a strange choice.

Still based around love and relationships, the obvious and my first choice is to go back and live in a loop of last summer, 18th of May to 9th of September. I wouldn’t care that I wouldn’t physically grow old or experience the working world or all of the things that I have done and achieved over the past 7 months because I had everything that I valued most and that is all I needed. Keep that going for 76 years worth of time or however the average age of death is and I will go out a happy man.

Back before the girl who I wrote my last regrets and time travel piece about, I had only fancied two girls, being amazed by how good they looked…one of them being the girl I was able to get in a relationship with 5/6 years after first spotting. If I had tried with her back then, she would be a completely different person at this point in time, valuing relationships more, in a perfect world and should she have been a relationships person as  a result we’d have been going out for over 6 years and still going strong, becoming adults together. On top of it I wouldn’t have had the 2 years of heartache with the girl I once considered to be my first love. A six year relationship, that is something I can only dream of until the age of 40 when realistically all of my chances of that would be over.

Now the weird one. I would go back to a couple of months after my ex and I split when there were exhibited signs that she still cared and checked up, leading in to the time I spent with the December Girl. Despite all the pain I’d still go because as Skillet sing in Everything goes Black, “I’d rather hurt than not care”. If I have lost this much care and feeling in the space of 9 months, in a years time when I originally planned to attempt friendship, after University, away from all stresses, will there be anything left even if she still hasn’t dated and only gone for the occasional one night stand, not able to replace me and likewise.

A year is an incredibly long time, this date last year, that girl who became my world sent me a message with the word “Mate” in it, she called me her mate and I had a mini heart breakdown thinking I had been friendzoned yet again but 3 months later I thought we’d run the gauntlet and make it through uni…only to be changed a couple of weeks later…I thought then that the pain would last forever and that it would be the worst couple of years of my life. Instead now I’m numbing (not completely out of the woods but getting there), and went on to have so many amazing experiences in my second uni year and nearly guaranteed for that amount to continue or increase in my final year as I won’t be alone and seperate from my friends, actually living with them, as I will have a placement and working on projects of my own passion and design.

I can do this…not sure what this is but I will do it.

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