Night Ramblings 5

Over a year ago, I told of what time/date I would go back to should I have the chance, linked with what my biggest regret was and what I would change about my past. However with everything that has transpired over that past year, finally understanding that what I previously thought to be love was an illusion of my own design, I have made some adjustments to the time or time(s) I would like to go back to and one of which is a strange choice.

Still based around love and relationships, the obvious and my first choice is to go back and live in a loop of last summer, 18th of May to 9th of September. I wouldn’t care that I wouldn’t physically grow old or experience the working world or all of the things that I have done and achieved over the past 7 months because I had everything that I valued most and that is all I needed. Keep that going for 76 years worth of time or however the average age of death is and I will go out a happy man.

Back before the girl who I wrote my last regrets and time travel piece about, I had only fancied two girls, being amazed by how good they looked…one of them being the girl I was able to get in a relationship with 5/6 years after first spotting. If I had tried with her back then, she would be a completely different person at this point in time, valuing relationships more, in a perfect world and should she have been a relationships person as  a result we’d have been going out for over 6 years and still going strong, becoming adults together. On top of it I wouldn’t have had the 2 years of heartache with the girl I once considered to be my first love. A six year relationship, that is something I can only dream of until the age of 40 when realistically all of my chances of that would be over.

Now the weird one. I would go back to a couple of months after my ex and I split when there were exhibited signs that she still cared and checked up, leading in to the time I spent with the December Girl. Despite all the pain I’d still go because as Skillet sing in Everything goes Black, “I’d rather hurt than not care”. If I have lost this much care and feeling in the space of 9 months, in a years time when I originally planned to attempt friendship, after University, away from all stresses, will there be anything left even if she still hasn’t dated and only gone for the occasional one night stand, not able to replace me and likewise.

A year is an incredibly long time, this date last year, that girl who became my world sent me a message with the word “Mate” in it, she called me her mate and I had a mini heart breakdown thinking I had been friendzoned yet again but 3 months later I thought we’d run the gauntlet and make it through uni…only to be changed a couple of weeks later…I thought then that the pain would last forever and that it would be the worst couple of years of my life. Instead now I’m numbing (not completely out of the woods but getting there), and went on to have so many amazing experiences in my second uni year and nearly guaranteed for that amount to continue or increase in my final year as I won’t be alone and seperate from my friends, actually living with them, as I will have a placement and working on projects of my own passion and design.

I can do this…not sure what this is but I will do it.

Night Ramblings 4

When you meet new people and are gathered around a table or a campfire or in a circle for a long period of time, the topic of relationships always come up. Whether it be finding out if everybody there has a significant other or why someone is single or what have someone’s exes been like. Currently my ex is off on summer placement for a few months, spending nights gathered round a camp fire chatting with the girls of the placement while most of the guys go off doing whatever separate thing they do. Inevitably at some point exes would have been something discussed, so what would be said about me? Would she make up that I was abusive or over controlling or something like that which would give her an easy way to say why we aren’t together any longer or would she tell the truth or how she described me in the break up message as a gentleman or someone who is kind and caring, then telling the real reason why we broke up quite civilly. Also when I message her saying happy birthday when it comes around, people will ask who that message is from and want to get involved knowing it’s from an ex. Depending on the stories told, I will either be seen as an asshole who is desperately trying to get back with her or a guy just trying to be nice and friendly to someone who he knows/cares about on her birthday. Judging that I haven’t messaged her or interacted with her in over 4 months when that time comes around, the latter should come through.

Furthermore, with the drinking game Never Have I Ever a lot is revealed, specifically sexual things when stories of past flings are shared, I must be a reason why she gets absolutely hammered because we got up to some pretty outside the box stuff.

Now it’s over 8 months since that relationship and about 5 months since the last sort of relationship I’ve begun to notice more and more things that I miss about them. And the main two that stand out beside buying a girl flowers/surprise gifts are a girls smile and a girls sarcastic voice. In a publically posted video by my ex she sarcastically said “Oh well done” to someone and it instantly took me back, not just to time with her because I had forgotten that voice but that feeling of with any jokey girl, like you do something wrong, she stands in front of you, stares you in the eyes and sarcastically/teasingly says something like “Oh well done” then you have a lustful longing kiss. And that is something which both sinks my heart thinking that my chances of doing that with arguably the most attractive person I’ll meet gone and makes my heart pound thinking that there could be someone else out there who with a less seductive voice and face.

I am struggling being back here seeing all the facebook memories of a year ago, just hope I make it through without fully breaking down.

Controversial Post Alert

Last night a friend of mine demanded that I shared and retweeted her posts saying “Get Ariana Grande to Number One for 22 Weeks, a week for each victim”.

This was my response:

If we have Grande fixed at Number 1 for 22 weeks can we also have Eagles of Death Metal at Number 1 for 89 weeks for those who lost their lives at the Bataclan in the Paris attacks. Man, Woman or Child. An innocent human life is an innocent human life. They had to fight for their spot through sales rather than be fixed because they weren’t mainstream enough. No doubt Grande’s song will be Number 1 for a while because of all the people buying and listening in remembrance but if the sales fall below another song based on perceived merit it should fall it’s proper amount of places. If fixed, in four months you could have a situation where a song (or several) could have sold 200,000 more copies in a week than the Grande track and the DJs and chart holders will have to say “Congratulations Artist you are second this week despite wiping the floor with other artists” and “Well Done Ariana you are this weeks number one by Default, how do you feel?”. A lot of charts write how many of each copy are sold so even if not said on radio/tv the figures will be present. Very nice sentiment behind people wanting it at the top for that long and a lot of respect will be paid to those who were lost but it cannot be a rule for one tragedy and not others surely. A donation of income from the top 22 songs for the next 22 weeks to the Charities related to the incident would be far more symbolic and physically beneficial, showing solidarity amongst all nationalities represented as well as allowing the nature of competition to continue.

She said that “I just thought it would be a nice thing to do”.

Well what else is a nice thing to do? Maybe not Killing People? Just a thought.

If people say that it should happen this time because most of the victims were children. Every victim of every tragedy is a child to somebody. Regardless of age, everybody has a family and everybody has friends…all will never get to see them again.

If people say it’s because they are English. Try telling that to people victimised by the other disasters that their lives aren’t/weren’t as valuable and worthy due to their nationality.

Oh but Ariana’s song of Hope and Togetherness was the last thing that all sang together… The last song played in the Bataclan was the last song that they all sang together, just because they aren’t Mainstream and A List celebrities doesn’t mean they should be treated any differently.

Okay that’s me done on this matter, anyone want to comment and debate against what I’ve said, I’m more than open to a discussion.

 

Adventures of One #5

It appears that since the Easter Break, I had completely forgotten about this series, so this should be number 5,6 and 7. I am currently unsure if I shall continue this series after the summer but that’s a long while off with plenty of things to enjoy beforehand.

Since the Easter break, long walks have been the main theme between the three adventures on the Tour T’ North.

Firstly, I visited Grindleford, a very small village which seemed to be 90% train station, walking through the forested areas and nature trails nearby. At one point, I was standing at the top of a long slope which appeared to have a 20ft sheer drop to my side. A large buck deer approached the base…then got closer…and began to climb the hillside towards me. Luckily it could smell the fear on me (and possibly flatulence) from a distance and decided that I wasn’t enough of a threat to attack. From there it was pretty calm going hanging out with several sheep and baby lambs making my way around to close out the rather random four hour round trip.

Next up was a jaunt to the coast at Crosby Beach where I initially got lost leaving the train station down the wrong road, taking a half an hour detour before finally finding the sea with the many statues appearing from the sand…all fun and games until you try to take a selfie with one and start descending in to the quicksand. Only real downside to the trip was the shock that despite the attraction it wasn’t very tourist-like only finding a cafe or somewhere to eat at all…straight after buying a large ice cream. And on the subject of icecream, A 99p Flake was £2…WHAT HAS THIS COUNTRY COME TO?!?!?

Lastly, this weekend, I got lost…I mean headed back out in to the wilderness, this time going to Edale. The online guides for the walk said that it was an easy-moderate walk, mostly flat ground…for the first 20 minutes they were spot on… but then the scale of their lies or rather the scale of the climb became apparent. At around 65-70 degrees from the floor, the walk took me up a hillside where I needed to stop every 10 steps through exhaustion. After taking about 15 minutes to do that part I imagined that I would be near the top…oh boy was I wrong. At the top there was a large flatland which looked like a battleground from Lord of the Rings with in the distance yet another higher peak. Eventually I reached it before finding out that I had taken a completely different route to everybody else up there and that I was just following a family who was just as lost as me. The hard work wasn’t even over once I finally reached the top as the route down kept giving way underfoot so I had to climb down part way and help two elderly ladies and their dog down. Still with around half an hour to the bottom, the loose rocky floor took its toll on your ankles and knees as each step sent all of your weight through your shins, at times with it being nearly impossible to slow yourself down. On the way down I made friends with a girl with one of the best trade deals in history, some of my cereal bars while we were up there in exchange for a cold pint of beer at the base. Why can’t every walk be like that?

I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.

Mental Health Blog #38

A year is a strange term because although its definition is 365.25 days or one completion of the Earth around the sun, it means something different to everybody. Some see it in its literal sense, some start their year on the start of a significant moment, Academic’s years normally last September to May-July, Taxmen’s years are April to April, Sports Fan’s Years are the duration of their League Season and The Chinese start their year either late January or Mid February.

In the next two days, for me, three years will end at once. A year since my last birthday. A year since the best summer and relationship of my life started. An Academic year since the worst period of my life.

And with each one, the starts still feel like yesterday…well maybe last week, but that doesn’t sound as good.

Incidentally both university years, I have had a shockingly bad first semester with a hearty chunk of depression and loneliness thrown in which has then been followed by a brilliant second semester full of socialising and forgetting past trouble as time flew by.

My last birthday I was still wondering what the summer had in store for me, I mostly chilled out feeling a mixture of alone and excited for seeing my friend the day after and go home for the holidays while eating a block of roll-out icing. This year will be much the same, eating icing, doing laundry, packing and being excited about going home after one final night out with my Uni Mates before the summer.

The day previous to that, at the time little did I know how much a “Hey how’s you? xx” message would change my life. I had been suffering from an awful cold, only just making it on my planned trip to Bowness on Windermere (Where I am going again this year). However when I got back in I had that message on my phone from the girl I had got with on New Years Eve, to this day I don’t remember messaging her in the months between New Year and then but my phone and Facebook prove otherwise. On that day she had been with her friend at University, packing things for the summer when talk turned to the summer and whether there was anybody who caught each others eye… that anybody was me and so she tried the opening message. If it wasn’t for that conversation I would have never had the massive highs and ultimate lows. Even with that on several times I thought I had messed it up as without thinking much of it, I took my time between replies and the conversation was boring and slow going. When I went to my friends two days later instead of talking at length about it when we brought up girls like usual it was a mere 5 second mention that she had messaged me. This year, I really cannot see any chance of that happening with anyone yet alone her. Sure there are girls I have spoken on and off with over the past few months and live near me back home and we are on good terms but I would definitely have to make the first move.

The night of September 9th into 10th something shifted massively within me as I had gone from the luxury of seeing and speaking my girlfriend everyday to having to jump straight in to the centre of a major city living far from any friends, being mentally and physically unprepared. It was a major shock. Homesickness, Depression, Anxiety, all of it hit thick and fast. Walking in to the Cycling Centre to fill in Uni registration papers I found myself sitting alone, only really ever speaking to 3 people in there. The cliques and friendship groups were already established from the first year and then there was me…I thought I was going to have to one man army this whole year but thankfully I was taken in as groups were formed for coursework. At the time I was so desperate to get away to my girlfriends with my ultimate present for her, running in the rain of the areas strongest storm for decades for 15 minutes just to reach her. Those days were possibly the last that I will ever hear from her in person. The night when I returned to Manchester I felt utterly terrible, the people who I had hung out with towards the end of the first year knocked for me inviting me out on the town, once again I made an excuse to not go but after they asked why I cracked. I broke down and cried infront of them because the depression had just got so much. I explained it to them and suddenly these demonic party animals became caring and understanding. A day later after coming out to them as depressed, I did the same with my girlfriend and my dad…definitely having mixed results. Arguably it has made my bond with my Dad stronger than ever as he was able to come out about his darker past, his softer side that I had never even thought could be possible, he wasn’t some unbeatable person, he was human… but the same couldn’t be said for my girlfriend, even though she gave me her full support and saying that it wasn’t the reason for our split, a week later after going quiet for a few days on the break up night she admitted that she wasn’t in a position to be able to look after me with things going on in her life. Following the final straw conversation a few days following that she said that a relationship was something that we couldn’t deal with at the time, and that time apart would heal the both of us back in to the people that we both fell in love with as we had both changed. Right now, there’s certainly no sign that we will ever get back together despite her being correct that it was a good healer to have time apart. But as exes go, things aren’t really that bad. Sure you have the How I Met Your Mother break ups where they stay friends mostly, hanging out every day, but in the real world most end up completely cut off from each other. We certainly aren’t, possibly due to the size of social media in our lives but we have each other on Snapchat, unblocked and free to see each other on Facebook, and she still is able to see my posts on Instagram. We aren’t friends but we aren’t enemies, we’ve found a minimum ground, and are okay with seeing each others faces, names and lives pop up on each others’ phones and laptops. If we didn’t want to see those things or simply skip over each other then surely we would have deleted each other from those platforms and kept each other off, and I don’t mean photos as despite removing a couple in February there is still lingering evidence of an “us” out there.

All of this has fuelled the fire of these Mental Health Blogs, crazy (no pun intended) to think that it has been eight months since the first of which.

With her in the woods on a children’s camp all summer it is nigh on impossible to see each other over the summer break. And with me not living alone next Uni Year, and provided I don’t have another summer romance, there will not be a repeat of the down period.

I’m not sure what I will do to fill that gap of time this summer but I have a possible 4 jobs lined up so will give it a good shot, will I descend back in to madness, stay tuned…

 

I normally keep a list of topics in my phone for me to write about on here as I can’t post straight away everyday and after checking now, I see a bit about special eventing, how drugs have affected my friends ex-girlfriend and why I hate drugs, how someone can be beautiful without make up amongst a couple of other things…but I realise, why do I want to post any of that? It just doesn’t feel right. It may have got me all riled up to say in the moment but not now. Now I see things differently. Now I feel things differently. Just goes to prove that although it’s fine to speak your mind  take some time to check what you’re saying or else it comes out as a mess which even you don’t understand and/or believe in.

I’ve been a very reflective Crag Banna…signing out.

All Cragged Up: Part Two

Since my last relationship, I’ve dated and I’ve partied hard and there’s one thing each time that girls I actually get to see in person say after a couple of hours, “Ooooh you’re quite hot aren’t you?”…HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT?!?! First of all I got to say, I disagree standing here like the annorexic love child of Hagrid and Sloth from Goonies.

Now you can either agree by saying (In a Douchebag Surfer Accent) “Yes, yes I am, I work out. Here are the water pistols (Usain Bolt Pose) but later you’ll be the one squirting”. OR you can disagree in one of three ways. You can refuse to take the compliment and scream “STOP LYING YOU’RE LYING AAAAAAAAAAAAGH”. You can straight up tell them that they are wrong or you can get emotional and on edge thinking that they’re setting you up for something, “Oh? So now I’m hot? Sorry for hiding it for so long like some transforming time bomb, I’ll try be hot from the start next time.”. But there is one thing to get an instant win if this happens to you fellas. Shift the focus on to them, something like (Deep Voice, Smokey Eyed) “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and damn you have some beautiful eyes, I may look hot but when I’m out with you we look like The Elephant Man and Harley Quinn”…Girls love being Harley Quinn.

 

It’s becoming more popular to name your kids after places of significance to you, mostly holidays. One of the girls I went out with was called Paris, then there’s Brooklyn, London, Cali short for California. For me, I didn’t go on many holidays as a kid so going to University was just like one massive holiday, going out drinking and partying, taking in a few sights, sleep in a bed that is your bed but not actually your bed. I can picture it now with my first born at his nursery with a Mum next to me going “Cooey, bye Florence sweetheart, I’ll see you soon” with her getting all emotional before she turns to me and says, “Aww is that your little one over there?” -Yeah that’s my potato- “He’s adorable, what’s his name?”. (Turn head slightly and with straight expression) “…Burnley”.

Interesting Fact about Burnley, it has it’s own Time Zone ladies and gentlemen. Here it’s 8 o’clock, in Cairo it’s 10 o’clock, in Perth it’s 5 o’clock and in Burnley it’s 1946…still got food rations. No hot water, no electricity and no heating…that’s the premium halls rooms.

My University wasn’t normal, in the first year we had 96 people and 240 all together. 4 Girls in my year along with 92 Guys, it was less of a Uni and more of a brotherhood that lived off Dixy Chicken and Spoons Brekkies. Was just like a male boarding school, but with the Rimjobs coming from Beer Pong… (Cover Butt) Mostly (Cough)…

You do form some tight bonds with everyone in that situation and in the first year my mates were the craziest, most insane bouncing off the wall quartet who will punch me for saying quartet ever…but they took care of you better than anyone. One Tuesday night, all clubs were shut which meant one thing, sitting in the dining room playing odds on dares. Having no idea what was going on as I got more and more drunk I just kept shouting random numbers, having to do odd things but I was so numb that I ended up eating a pot of jam and 2 sachets of Coffee Beans… 2am fine…4 am, heart beating so hard I was vibrating around the room. I was desperate to end it so the guy gave me the one thing they thought of as a cure…weed… the first and only time I ever did drugs… calming drug? Was it f**k? I could see the smell of my heartbeat as I equally cried and laughed myself to sleep…

Mental Health Blog #37

Apologies for not posting in a long while, I had planned to have written about 5 pieces in the past two weeks while on my Easter break however a mixture of things such as Por-wait what it wasn’t that? Oh well it was Anime, Socializing, Procrastination and Depression (Yay Depression, who doesn’t love a good bout of that) made it virtually impossible to create anything of postable quality. Those four things hampered me so much in fact that despite having five weeks from the start of the holiday to complete two large university assignments, not a single word was done and I am now facing a two and three week deadline to get all work done.

First of all in that list, anime. Quite simply, I love it. As promised many weeks ago I shall be writing about a series that I had seen which completely changed how I felt for a long while and that is still going to be something which I will write about, I haven’t forgotten…honest. Once my assignments are out of the way I hope to write a series on each of the different animes I have watched and the worlds around them. To date they will be: Your Lie in April, Sword Art Online, Mirai Nikki and Konosuba. The procrastination has killed me for time in the next couple of weeks with my spare time after them split in to parts of a cycle: Football Manager Season, Learn a song on Guitar, Draw one of the concepts/characters from my ideas list, Watch an entire anime (All seasons) and complete a task from my non-urgent to do list with items which have stretched back to Christmas time.

That’s another thing, the University breakdown of 4 weeks, 6 weeks then 3 weeks after Christmas has allowed time to fly by with the very real possibility that the next time I write on here I will no longer be a teenager which I am clinging on to by the skin of my teeth. And for that time I have big plans (Scurries around trying to get people together)

Anyway back to the main topic. Procrastination and Socializing have almost gone hand in hand to prevent me doing work with the idea that going out for an hour or two meant that the whole day was disrupted, even when it wasn’t. Catching up on sleep was a huge part of my lifestyle and when I was awake I found ever increasing amounts of content on the animes that I had watched, the worlds around them, manga, fandoms and novels.

Right, time to get more serious for a moment. The latter element of why I didn’t get anything done was a bout of depression. I’m not even sure what triggered it to be blatantly honest but I know the feelings and thoughts that it brought up. Normally when you are confronted with a problem, you find a solution and work through that solution’s process until Hooray no more problem. But with this the solution is undoubtedly something that would take months to do…and that is assuming that other people are willing to play their roles in it. The problem here is once again seeing the positives in my ex but I realise that it is not me being in love with her, it is being in love with the situations that a relationship provides. Within that it’s that feeling of powerlessness and possibility that I will never be in those situations again which have been dragging me back by the shirt. I’ve dated/seriously chatted to four girls since that whole break up and two of those in the past six weeks, I don’t know what desperation smells like but looking at those numbers I must damn reek of it and I hate that too. I’m sure I’ve probably written this before but for me at this stage in my life, my ultimate goal is waking up next to somebody. But not just anybody, as that has happened since the break up. Somebody who’s goal isn’t to leave as soon as possible as you wonder who the hell was that? Somebody who you can roll over and face in the morning and while both of you are weary eyed and still sleepy, smile at. When they ask you why you’re smiling so hard you simply say “Because I’ve realised I get to wake up next to the most beautiful girl (change depending on your preferences) around” and then kiss them on the forehead. Then you have the rest of the morning to cuddle and kiss it out, laying in the arms of someone who you truly care about/love knowing nothing in that moment could go wrong, nothing can hurt you both. Similarly, if they are facing away from you or you’re loosely spooning. Grab them and squeeze them tight…trust me they feel it and like it too.

So yeah if anyone could order that for my upcoming birthday…much appreciated.

Anyways, I must go various citizens and do a 3000 word research proposal… I’ve been Crag Banna…signing out.